Tuesday, April 30, 2013

When A Mother Loses A Child

  A mother's love is a love that absolutely spans the universe, from here to eternity and back. Once a child is born it never turns off, ever. You dream of them,you love them without condition, you know what their entire being is made of and can accurately describe it, from marks moles and imperfections on their skin to how their eyes change when their mood changes. A mother knows at the beginning her own babies cry from every other baby, I think she can probably pick that child with her eyes closed. She only needs her heart. They are connected for 9 months, then continue to remain bonded for life. A mother knows when her child is in trouble, under stress and anticipates their wants and needs even before they do at times. A mother's love is like no other love. God created us that way.
  When a mother loses a child, she loses a piece of her soul, it changes her forever, she will never be the same. Her entire life is changed. She now has a hole in her heart that is so very deep, it can never be filled. She grieves forever for the lose of the one that she gave birth too. No counseling, no drugs, no amount of alcohol can fill the void in her life ever. Thoughts always come flooding back, always. The best that can be done at times is to try to refocus and not stay in the moment. I find myself going totally against that and at this time I become panic stricken at times. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I pray, and I pray and I pray. At times it is so overwhelming it feels as if I myself are being choked to death, feels as if I am suffocating. Scariest dam feeling I have ever felt. I buried my mother last year, it was very overwhelming but  then I was quickly able to say, she has lived her life, she has had a stroke, quality of life is gone, she can't speak, she will never walk, etc, etc. Quickly the grieving turned into, I love her enough to know that this is God's plan for our existence, we get old and then we die. Fair enough! Better than to get old and hang on and agonize for years in an utterly  awful existence. I personally would rather just go. Slowly slip out of this world, people at my side, comforting me and loving me.
 Where do you go with this one, where do you begin to make sense of a perfectly vital, young life. So many friends, so many people that adored and loved him. Where do you thank God for this? I am personally mad at God right this second, but he expected that and he will not hold it against me I am assured. I am very mad at my son and even madder at me. I am mad at me because he at times like all teens do said he,"hated me", well I am mad at me because I should have taken that up a notch. I should have snooped more, been more pushy and made him hate me just a little more. Maybe if I would have made him mad enough he would have stayed around just a few days, weeks or months to plot some great revenge against me, but at least he would have been here with me. I should have known more and accepted less. I should have done a lot more, but I didn't. Mistakes we make. I really hope someday I get to tell him every conversation I am having here and more, I pray!

Monday, April 29, 2013

Your Friends Remember You



Funny boy! Hopefully they remember you and just smile! Miss you so much Mat! Everyday, every second! We all miss you so!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Sleeping With Sirens covers "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls



Mathew was trying to put songs on his iphone the other night, something didnt go right so he just quite. He was really mad it didnt work. It said.... For you, I clicked it because it was friday 4/19/13 it was saved. IT WAS A SONG...........Goo Goo Dolls...sleeping with sirens!

All The Memories Of You




Everything we have left of you! Our memories of you! Loving you always my darling, always! We will never forget you!

Friday, April 26, 2013


I believe that each of us was put on this earth to fulfill his or her potential for humanity, and the soul is that part of us that makes us truly human.The soul is what makes a human being a human being and not simply another living creature on Gods earth. The soul is not a physical entity, but instead refers to everything about us that is not physical- our values, our memories, identity, sense of humor. Since the soul represents the parts of the human being that are not physical, it cannot get sick, IT CANNOT DIE, IT CANNOT DISAPPEAR.In short the soul is immortal. Mathew Jacob Riley.......I love you so bubba! I love you so!!!!!!!!

Everybody That Loves You Comes To Say Goodbye To You

  


  How do we smile when our hearts our broken? How do we go on without you? We have to prepare for your viewing this evening, dear God in heaven above give us strength! I cannot believe I will make it through. I will pray for strength again and again and hope that God carries us through this evening. I have done all I can, all the hurt and pain and the storms we have endured for days now. Emotions are running high. I feel as if your father and I may not be able to let you go. I cannot fathom in my mind standing beside my son's casket as people line up to view my son's body and tell him farewell. How do I send you off from this world when all I want is for you to stay with me forever. It is not supposed to happen like this, it's not! Mothers and fathers should not have to bury their children ever. Under the circumstances this should not happen, nobody should feel this badly inside that this is their only avenue. I cannot imagine that this is what you found when you thought it through! Why didn't you come to us baby boy? Why didn't you?
  As your viewing draws near, everyone gathers to say goodbye to you. Friend after friend we comfort, tear after tear falls. It is so disturbing when someone barely 16 leaves this world and their life has not yet been completed. There is no understanding to be had, how can their be? Only theories and thoughts of what could have happened, unbearable and unbelievable! 4-8PM and it could have gone on forever, we just can't leave you alone and we refuse to say goodbye. I just want to scoop you up in my arms and shake the breath back into your body! Inside I want to scream but I have to hold it together, for my Mathew. When he couldn't hold it together, I feel as if I have to, I cannot give up. But I so want to! I just want to scream and run and never stop ever.
  You looked so terrible, no life left in you, you are pale and cold, the spirit is gone, you are gone. All that made you who you were has passed from this physical world into another realm, one that we can only pray is better to you then this one was. In your mind it must have been unbearable, I cannot see that and neither can the ones that loved you, so many individuals adored you. I hope it's true and I hope you are looking down, how many hearts you have broken and how many lives you have changed by one very selfish moment.What about us I want to scream and I have at that, what the hell do we do now? 
  Your fathers heart is destroyed, you were his only son, his only blood. He just cries, how that breaks my heart! I cannot worry though because it is all I can do to hold it together. It's as if I am just going through the motions and that is all I can do. Your sister is devastated, 6 months pregnant, you promised her so many things. Those promises and dreams are all passed now, everything, the future is no more. I feel as if I am in a deep and dark place and I cannot find my way out, will I ever? The pain is so great in this place that is is terrifying and I am overwhelmed. I pray and I pray, not for me or for our family but continuously for your soul. I have always known you do not take your own life, you do not have that right, only God himself can make that call. So I just pray, and I cry, it's all I know to do right now.
  Everyone says how sorry they are and how terrible they feel, I am numb, absolutely numb.Everybody says I am strong....huh! I am not strong people I am in shock! Remember I am the one that is still waiting for their baby to wake up! Strong or loosing their sanity and in another space. I kiss you and you are frozen, your skin like ice. I am dying too, and I always will be, I cannot go on without you. You brought the greatest joy to my life and I cannot let that go, I cannot forget it and I never will.
  I watch the peoples faces, not the faces of an unloved boy. The sadness. What can we do to stop this from happening again, what do we do? I think we all know the answer to that really, at least I do. So many people, so much sadness, so many tears, all for a boy who felt so alone, and so desperate to feel loved. God give us strength!

  


The Last Time We Shall See You

  Taking silly pictures, I found them all the time. These have become so very precious now to me. Every single photo that I have taken, they are all we have. The home movies, the silly Facebook videos you made with your friend Mary. They are all I have! All I have!  We have memories of you now, what good are those when all we want is you!
  At the church everyone will come to pay there last respects to you and I will read your last goodbye from us to you. Impossible that any of this is happening, still in shock. Still waiting to see you come through that door, I will always, always be waiting my baby, always! I will never stop waiting I promise you until I see you again in heaven, I will always wait for you. To come to me in my dreams, in my thoughts, in my memories, in my heart, we all will. I won't forget you I promise you and I won't let you be forgotten, I will speak of you as if you are here and acknowledge you as if you are. I cannot let you go. Some will forget, some will never forget, but I promise you with a mothers unconditional love and with all my heart, you will always be on my mind and I will never, ever forget you! Someday we will meet again, I will know you as if you never left my side, I will find you no matter where you are, God has given me the peace to know that, that you are not lost!
  The service is so very beautiful, so many turn out to say goodbye, the last time we will all see your beautiful face. You didn't look terrible baby, honest you didn't just not like we remember you! So I lied just a little. I want to go with you and I cannot stop those thoughts! I want to find you because deep inside I don't want you to be alone anymore. Someday baby we will have forever to talk! Someday! I feel as if I am sinking in a sea of guilt and remorse and I know I can't do that but it is how I feel. The service goes as well as any service goes, crying, crying and more crying and missing you! We are so terribly missing you! The heartbreak is absolutely unbearable at times! No all the time!
  I asked all the kids to write a good bye, whether that be because they are really mad or whatever they want to say and they all do! Letters by the dozen go with you forever. I hope you were with each of them as they wrote them, it came from their hearts! They will really miss you so! You made such an impact on so many lives, wish you could have seen how much! The girls they loved you, you had your choice but felt as if you had only one. I always told you there were many fish in the sea, and yours was waiting just for you somewhere.
  Goodbye our beloved son Mathew Jacob Riley, may God be with you always, may he have understanding and compassion for a child that in a single bad moment in his life chose to take his own life. May he be as forgiving as we know him to be and may he see all the goodness you brought into this world from your first breath until your last! We say our last goodbye to a kind, sweet, loving, forgiving, compassionate and understanding young man. A young man I am so very proud I got to call, MY SON! You will always, always be at the top of the greatest moments in my life, the one when I brought you into this world and the first time I saw your precious face. I am so very blessed to have carried you for 9 months and so blessed to have gone through all the labor to bring you into this world, not a second would your father or I ever trade for anything in this world! A God send, a gift from Heaven above. You are forever with us my darling and we will never forget you. Please don't forget us, come to us when we are sad and remind us of all that you were to us! Missing you forever and ever! My sweet precious baby, we are lost without you! To the heavens above, all our love!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Journey Of Our Broken Hearts

Unfortunately on April 20,2013, our family began a journey that has forever changed our lives because of the abuse by our 16 year old son of synthetic marijuana. He ended his life that day due to the abuse of this evil,evil drug..Our family will never be the same! Our hearts will never be whole again! The evening before he committed suicide he had stopped at a party with a few "friends" and they said he only took a
 few hits off a joint of this poison. Hours later he hung himself in our back yard in our tree!  Our son had just 4 days before admitted to having smoked synthetic marijuana for a year prior to April 20th to his drug counselor. They had just refused to admit him to inpatient therapy saying "he doesn't qualify!" The week prior to his death we begged to have him committed due to a suicide attempt when he ran out of our garage with rope and said, "I just want to die!" He had always appeared high,really high, but all urine tests were always negative, negative, and more negative. Week after week we watched as our son went from a joyful, sweet young man, that we were so absolutely proud of to a raging, angry human being. Very withdrawn, depressed and at times even extremely paranoid. He knew that we knew but as he continued to pass the tests and blame his reddened eyes on "allergies", we knew something just wasn't right.
When our son passed away April 20, 2013 we had everyone and every organization we could get a hold of involved with him. All for the sake of saving our sweet baby boy. Everyone from the school,every department. They failed him and us !We called Children's Services of Mercer County Pennsylvania,out of desperation and got them involved with our family, The police were at our home frequently. Our son Mathew often  threw raging fits and I as a small and average height woman was terrified of him and to be alone with him. He raged one time and had raised a bar stool up as if he was going to break it over my head,, my own baby looked at me with eyes that would terrify my very soul! From that point on i feared that if pushed to the right point or any point he would snap and I would be killed by him. We called for help hoping we could get him to go to a treatment facility but without his permission and acceptance he could not be made to enter treatment..In Pennsylvania at the age of 14 they can choose to ruin and destroy their own lives in any way shape or form. But if they miss 10 days of school and they don't have an excuse, the parents can go to jail! In 2011 due to Mathews abuse of marijuana, prior to using the synthetic marijuana or maybe he was using then to, he missed 75 days of school! It was as we look back, the beginning of the end. A once vibrant, athletic, outgoing boy who held the state record for pole vaulting in the state and county. Who had a brown belt in Karate and was the absolute joy and light of our families lives. My very best friend and keeper of my soul,my baby boy, last of 5 children, left this earth because of a girlfriend of 3 months. Conveniently, that evening someone had passed along information to him, "the very same friend" who turned him onto synthetic marijuana, so he could pass urine tests and not have it be detected, informed him his girlfriend was out with supposedly several other guys behind his back. He told our son she was a slut and made him so angry that he left the party and ended up after arguing with her for several hours, taking pictures of himself, making a video of his last minutes on earth. He then tied a noose around his neck and jumped off our bench to his death. Severed his carotid artery instantly. Even if we would have got to him instantly, we could not have saved our son!!!! 
Forever we will be missing our baby boy, life will never be the same for any of us.
We have to put a stop to this drug, somehow, someway this has to be stopped! We cannot as parents except anything less then annihilation of this toxic substance! I will continue to push for whatever laws I can in the name of our son who was forever changed by synthetic marijuana! We have to push to educate these children,If only 1 can be saved, all would be a blessing, 1 more still a blessing! The real killer is not what you buy in the back alleys or behind a garage in the projects or on the corner, you buy it at your local convenience store!


                                                           Glorious, joyful, blessed day! 
                                                                The day of you birth!                                
                                                                    May 9, 1996


                              Home from the hospital with your family and cuddling with your big sister!
                                                Beautiful little sweet angel, mamas babies!
                                             So blessed 2 brothers and 2 sisters to love you so!

                                            First Birthday! Growing so fast! Sweet memories!
                                 Well you know they loved yah so! One manned the camera and the 
                                               other made sure you didn't get away! Sisters!
                                              Our silly bubba! Our little man! Love of our lives!  
7 years old and you have forever captured our hearts and souls! We adored you!

 The final picture that you have left us with all because of a drug! The reason we cry, the reason our hearts our broken! The reason our lives are forever changed...............synthetic marijuana! What a high!

This Song Keeps Playing Over And Over Again

If I haven't heard it a hundred times over the past several days, everywhere I go and every time I listen to any music this is what I hear...I take it as a sign from you. If it wasn't I surely would not have heard it as many times. It brings me sadness but strangely comfort as well. I think you are telling me that you were tired and just worn from this world! There is a reason, there are no coincidences, remember I told you that! Is that what you are now telling me?
         
Worn 
Tenth Avenue
I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn 
Yeah I'm worn

Jocelyn's Goodbye To You My Darling

  What a beautiful letter written for you Mathew, I really hope you hear it! And I hope you see that out of her pain she still managed to send a message of great love for you! How her heart is broken and how badly she misses you. How kindly she can speak of you to others no matter what has been done! How lucky you were, if you would have only reached out!  She shouldn't have to do this! You shouldn't have made her cry like this! How very unfair of you! She loved you so much and you have broken her heart, you have broken all of our hearts and I am so angry with you right now! How dare you break the love that you had between you 2. How dare you take away from her something she can never have back, her brothers love! You were so close, so very close, and I am actually talking like I am talking to you! God give me strength I have none left!
 
Your sister wrote for you this beautiful goodbye;
Romans 14:8
For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lords.
Mathew Jacob Riley, Our son, our brother, our friend. How do we allow ourselves to say goodbye to you? You made a choice and through your decision we can only believe you are in a better place now. I know the next time i see you again you will be weightless of the burdens and pain of this life. You will smile at me and it will be like we were never apart. We have to remember that in this life the only thing that is certain is death. I only hope that everyone before me today can say as i can that i have no regrets for my time with Mathew. Though our time together is not as long as i would have wanted it to be, i know it was sincere and special. Love and respect those you have in front of you each day. For we all have our own struggles and no one mans pain is exactly like another's. Each person that walks into our lives leaves a foot print. Let my sweet brothers imprint upon our heart be one of happiness, just as he was. Let us not remember the details of his death, but the greatness of his life. I will cherish every moment i ever spent with you. You were one of the greatest joys of my life. Being 10 years older than you i always wanted to protect you and treat you like my own son. Spoil you, guide you, love you. You taught me what it was to love as though i was a mother. I'll never forget your white hair, bright blue eyes and red lips running around the house in only your diaper. You loved your bottles and sippy cups so much as a child we nicknamed you bubba. There will never be another man like you. Every where you went people would say how kind you were. How funny, how sweet. Only you could make any bad day, good. You always had such an innocent humor, the stupidest things would make us laugh and that's what i loved most about you. The true measure of a man is one that does for those that can do absolutely nothing for him. That was the kind of man my brother was. Always a friend, a genuine heart and an uplifting soul. He never judged or put others down. Instead he listened with an open mind and offered a hand up. He never cared about money or material possessions. He only cared about the memories that could be made from nothing. I was your older sister but i looked up to you in many ways and the man that you were becoming. You stood up for what you believed in and you feared nothing.
Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain. for those things have passed away.


Maybe we didn't have as much time as we wanted with you, but i would rather have had 17 great years than nothing. Thank you for being a part of my life. Sometimes people aren't meant to stay in our lives, but instead to touch them. Let us not cry that we don't have you, but rather smile for what we did have of you. Today not only am i losing my brother and a best friend but i lose a piece of my heart and soul that i'll never get back. You took more than just yourself when you left us. We may not ever understand your reasons, but it is not up to us to understand. We will respect it because it was your decision. Today we lay your body to rest, while your spirit lives on in peace. I ask that each of us take one piece of my brother with us today. His compassion for other people. Let us treat one another with love and understanding. Because you never know, behind the most beautiful smile may hide the deepest pain.

For You

   I am not preparing for your birthday as we had planned, no, I am not preparing for your driving test as we were doing only hours before, no, I am preparing to send my son to rest forever! I am  preparing for my sons last and final goodbye! I am preparing to lay my son to rest, no matter how you say it, I don't know if I can do it! But once again I have to. I remember when you were here you always made me do things that I was to tired to do, didn't care to do or just really had no desire to do, and here you are doing it again! God how I remember every moment with you, every single moment and how I would give the world just to have 1 minute to tell you that you have to stay! Just 1 minute I would take! I smell you, I see you, I hear you, I swear to God I see you coming across the yard, around the corner, I feel you kiss me and I feel your arms around me, I hear your voice say mom," I'm home" and mom, "I love you" and mom, "I am coming home!" Just say it dammit, just say it one more time!!!! Just one more, please God just let me hear it one more time! Please God just one more! Nothing, nothing! I continuously plead to God, take me and bring him back please God just take me! I have lived my life and he has not and then I realize it was your choice as awful a one as it was. There was something so terrible that God himself could not keep you here that night, some pain so great that you had to go. I can make no sense of this!
  Your goodbye letter I struggle with for what seems like hours and hours, and with Gods help I find it in my heart to write this beautiful letter to you. Your sister writes one as well. This is not officially the letter I will read only a letter to you and more of a prayer for strength to get me through this, my hopes that God will bring all of  us through this:

  Heavenly Father.... Please help me Lord, I really don’t know what to do. Only your words can comfort me. Only your embrace can soothe my pain. I have given everything I could my Lord, and there is nothing more I can give. I kneel before you now, crushed and broken, empty and afraid to be alone. Hide me under your wings, hold me in your loving arms. Say unto me again how much you love me. Say unto me that you have called me yours and you will never ever let me go. Though men may fail, you remain faithful, steadfast and immovable as a rock. Though men may judge me for all the faults they see in me, you see my heart and reveal to me the beautiful soul you see in me. Help me to let go of my pain, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask my forgiveness. This burden is something I shouldn't carry in my heart. This trouble is not something I should trade away my peace for. I know that I have been done wrong, the things that have happened had been so unfair. Sometimes life’s like that. Many things in this life really seem so unfair. But let me not continue being unfair to myself. Let me not punish myself anymore for the things others have done.

I offer unto you my wounded heart, my broken heart. I know it is you my Lord who will uphold me in the end. Let me not lose hope. Let me not cast away everything that’s good and beautiful in this life. I know that there is so much more in store for me. I know how much love I can still give away because it is you who fills me with everything that I’ll ever need. You are the one who loves me truly, eternally, unconditionally. You are the one who has always been there for me and always will be there for me. You are my one true love. You are my forever. You are my strength and my peace and my joy. Surely in your presence Lord, I do not need anything more. Amen

Mathew Jacob Riley, my heart of heart, giver of my greatest joy, my darling and sweet angel, my baby boy.....my soul has forever been changed! My heart is forever and always now incomplete and broken! A mothers love is forever unchanging, unwavering and nonjudgmental. From the first breath that you took to the last that you did breath, our lives will never be the same. Seconds go by and I continue to beg to God and cry out for your return. An angel holds us both under each of her wings, you on one side and me on the other. I think she knows my need to hold onto you just a little longer. I feel your breath on my face, your hand in mine, your voice I hear, your laughter rings through my brain, the plans for you future that will never be. Like a broken record I cannot stop the playing! I cannot stop this pain! If I could have traded places with you I would have but I can't, and for that I feel it unbearable to live with me! As a mother I promised God I would protect you! Please know my son that you were everything that made me proud, everything that made me laugh, made me smile, made me live. You were my life as all our children are. Each child holds a piece of your heart, without that piece your heart is forever different, forever changed! I simply cannot imagine my days without you, my life without you. All I have now is the memories, so I cry out to God hoping he will save me! I cry out to God for you! Peace always be with you my son. As your mother if I never find that ,I hope in my heart God has given it to you!

Outside Look What They Did


Your best friends have left something for you because they loved you so! How wonderful to have such good friends. Wish you could have just talked to them, wish you could have just held on!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Days Just Pass

   The days they just pass now. I can't remember which is which. It seems as if hours are seconds and days only minutes.They are all running into one another. None of that makes any sense, but in this world of grief nothing makes sense at all, nothing anymore. Depression, huh! At it's worst! Pain beyond anyone's imagination. Broken heart that will never be repaired. I try to keep from falling apart and it seems impossible. I think of my son every second now. I am angry at everything and everybody. I blame myself, what could I have done? Should I have been harder than I was on him? Should I have been not so strict and just let him run? No none of those are the answers, I have none!         He killed himself over a girl? Really? No this is impossible! Unbearable and unbelievable! My son chose to leave this world over a girl, someone that he could have found a hundred million more of and would probably over the course of his life. Strange but I do not blame the girl, I only blame myself and it is overwhelming. As a mother I am overwhelmed with despair and loss and regret so deeply that it feels as if I have a deep dark hole that reaches into my soul! I worry and I ache and I cry, will he be lost and will I ever get to him? Has God taken him home with him to live forever? I can only pray for his soul and wait! Will I ever hold you again I think to myself? Will I know you as I have always known you? Please God let me know him, please, please! Or will I never see you again after life? Now that would truly be hell! 
   I do not know if I can pray anymore, I have more than cried out to God over and over and over, he is silent! I drop to my knees and I only hope, that because he has created us, that when I do and the only thing that comes is tears, that he also knows what my heart can barely speak! Tears so plentiful that they could fill an ocean. Will they ever stop?
   I am surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors but yet I am totally alone! To give birth to a son, that love is forever, nothing even death will ever or can ever take us apart. NOTHING! Even this shall not separate us. I will wait, surely you will come to me, somehow, someway! In my dreams, in my thoughts, something will let me know that you are with me. I cannot laugh because if I do or if I smile then you will not be here to share in that laughter! I feel as if I will never laugh again.
  I must choose pictures for your funeral to be displayed, oh hell no I can't! I won't! But if I don't I feel that everyone will not see you, but only the act of your suicide. So I have to. Oh God how, how do I look at your pictures and know that you are no more? How do I force myself to look at you and you are not with me, I can't! I will do this because I know that as children do, they make mistakes, they are careless and reckless and have poor judgement just as you did. I also have to remember that my heart is so forgiving, I forgive and I forgive and then I forgive again, reason being I get hurt so much! I have to find it in myself to forgive you and to forget what choice you have made! I have to forget the horror of that morning at sometime in my life I will have to quit replaying what I saw on the morning of April 2oth or I will never find peace again! I just want to remember all that is good and nothing that is bad, will I ever? Will this haunt me forever? God I pray not my son!
  

Just Like A Sister To You

Matt you are not gone from my life and never will be. I have so many great memories with you. Me chasing you around the kitchen table till you wiped out them we both fell to the ground laughing, those late night you me and Jessy Riley would sit in the tree house and watch movies, hanging out with you, Rj and Morgan all the time and ensuring Kathy and your dad that as long as you were with me I'd keep you out of trouble. I watched you grow up from second grade and the pesky little brother me and your sister always picked on because you pranked us to amazing young man you became. I will never forget any of times we spent together and I will always cherish you and the love I felt for the brother you were and are to me♥ I love you little brother, rest in peace♥
Dominique Mellinger

Mathew Jacob Riley


Mathew Jacob Riley
Heavenly Father.... Please help me Lord, I really don’t know what to do. Only your words can comfort me. Only your embrace can soothe my pain. I have given everything I could my Lord, and there is nothing more I can give. I kneel before younow, crushed and broken, empty and afraid to be alone. Hide me under your wings, hold me in your loving arms. Say unto me again how much you love me. Say unto me that you have called me yours and you will never ever let me go. Though men may fail, you remain faithful, steadfast and immovable as a rock. Though men may judge me for all the faults they see in me, you see my heart and reveal to me the beautiful soul you see in me. Help me to let go of my pain, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask my forgiveness. This burden is something I shouldn’t carry in my heart. This trouble is not something I should trade away my peace for. I know that I have been done wrong, the things that have happened had been so unfair. Sometimes life’s like that. Many things in this life really seem so unfair. But let me not continue being unfair to myself. Let me not punish myself anymore for the things others have done.

I offer unto you my wounded heart, my broken heart. I know it is you my Lord who will uphold me in the end. Let me not lose hope. Let me not cast away everything that’s good and beautiful in this life. I know that there is so much more in store for me. I know how much love I can still give away because it is you who fills me with everything that I’ll ever need. You are the one who loves me truly, eternally, unconditionally. You are the one who has always been there for me and always will be there for me. You are my one true love. You are my forever. You are my strength and my peace and my joy. Surely in your presence Lord, I do not need anything more. Amen

Mathew Jacob Riley, my heart of heart, giver of my greatest joy, my darling and sweet angel, my baby boy.....my soul has forever been changed! My heart is forever and always now incomplete and broken! A mothers love is forever unchanging, unwavering and nonjudgmental. From the first breath that you took to the last that you did breath, our lives will never be the same. Seconds go by and I continue to beg to God and cry out for your return. An angel holds us both under each of her wings, you on one side and me on the other. I think she knows my need to hold onto you just a little longer. I feel your breath on my face, your hand in mine, your voice I hear, your laughter rings through my brain, the plans for you future that will never be. Like a broken record I cannot stop the playing! I cannot stop this pain! If I could have traded places with you I would have but I can't, and for that I feel it unbearable to live with me! As a mother I promised God I would protect you! Please know my son that you were everything that made me proud, everything that made me laugh, made me smile, made me live. You were my life as all our children are. Each child holds a piece of your heart, without that piece your heart is forever different, forever changed! I simply cannot imagine my days without you, my life without you. All I have now is the memories, so I cry out to God hoping he will save me! I cry out to God for you! Peace always be with you my son. As your mother if I never find that ,I hope in my heart God has given it to you!



"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you."
Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)

Dear Father In Heaven Help Us






Heavenly Father.... Please help me Lord, I really don’t know what to do. Only your words can comfort me. Only your embrace can soothe my pain. I have given everything I could my Lord, and there is nothing more I can give. I kneel before younow, crushed and broken, empty and afraid to be alone. Hide me under your wings, hold me in your loving arms. Say unto me again how much you love me. Say unto me that you have called me yours and you will never ever let me go. Though men may fail, you remain faithful, steadfast and immovable as a rock. Though men may judge me for all the faults they see in me, you see my heart and reveal to me the beautiful soul you see in me. Help me to let go of my pain, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask my forgiveness. This burden is something I shouldn’t carry in my heart. This trouble is not something I should trade away my peace for. I know that I have been done wrong, the things that have happened had been so unfair. Sometimes life’s like that. Many things in this life really seem so unfair. But let me not continue being unfair to myself. Let me not punish myself anymore for the things others have done.

I offer unto you my wounded heart, my broken heart. I know it is you my Lord who will uphold me in the end. Let me not lose hope. Let me not cast away everything that’s good and beautiful in this life. I know that there is so much more in store for me. I know how much love I can still give away because it is you who fills me with everything that I’ll ever need. You are the one who loves me truly, eternally, unconditionally. You are the one who has always been there for me and always will be there for me. You are my one true love. You are my forever. You are my strength and my peace and my joy. Surely in your presence Lord, I do not need anything more. Amen

Mathew Jacob Riley, my heart of heart, giver of my greatest joy, my darling and sweet angel, my baby boy.....my soul has forever been changed! My heart is forever and always now incomplete and broken! A mothers love is forever unchanging, unwavering and nonjudgmental. From the first breath that you took to the last that you did breath, our lives will never be the same. Seconds go by and I continue to beg to God and cry out for your return. An angel holds us both under each of her wings, you on one side and me on the other. I think she knows my need to hold onto you just a little longer. I feel your breath on my face, your hand in mine, your voice I hear, your laughter rings through my brain, the plans for you future that will never be. Like a broken record I cannot stop the playing! I cannot stop this pain! If I could have traded places with you I would have but I can't, and for that I feel it unbearable to live with me! As a mother I promised God I would protect you! Please know my son that you were everything that made me proud, everything that made me laugh, made me smile, made me live. You were my life as all our children are. Each child holds a piece of your heart, without that piece your heart is forever different, forever changed! I simply cannot imagine my days without you, my life without you. All I have now is the memories, so I cry out to God hoping he will save me! I cry out to God for you! Peace always be with you my son. As your mother if I never find that ,I hope in my heart God has given it to you!



Monday, April 22, 2013

Our Funny Guy



This is my heart! My everything, my soul, my life! Without this young man I cannot imagine any other days to follow. Not a second goes by that I don't take a breath in and breath it out again can I ever forget the memories I have with this young man. My son, my love I miss you so!