4 Month's After You Loose Your Precious Child

Really awful night, yesterday, last night and today, not to say that the last 4 months haven't been close to the same and when I speak awful I mean awful! Started when I came home from work yesterday and did not stop. Sure everybody's had really horrendous days! It was almost equally as bad as the first month's days and nights, where I could not close my eyes for a single second. I was absolutely panic stricken, chest tightness, shaking, unrelenting tears that poured from my soul from a place I didn't know existed! THIS IS AWFUL!!!! I feel just like a boat a million miles out in the ocean that has a slow leak, I know it's going down but I don't know when and I don't know how! I have no control, I can't stop it and I don't know how to plug the hole and I don't know if I should or shouldn't! I just don't know! I feel as if I am an empty carcass walking the face of the earth! I want to scream out all the time, I want my son back dammit who ever has him, "GIVE BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!" I think I could start screaming today and not stop for all eternity the pain is so bad! I close my eyes and the pictures keep playing like a slide show and I can't turn them off. I really don't want to turn off some but for a while just a little nothingness would be just grand at this point! I get about 2 hrs a sleep a night no exaggeration and after 4 months its catching up to me. The only nights I get 3-4 is because of Valerian root that the Dr told me to get! I still wake up, drenched in sweat, terrorized, terrified, panicked and searching for my son! My beloved baby boy Mat!There are nights were I have run through the house panting and in distress saying where is he? Where is he, wheres my baby??? My husband will wake up and say, you know where he is pleased calm down your going to have a heart attack, just breath please, then I just look at him and proceed to search and he knows to just let me go because he knows I won't stop until my mind finally stops and says you know where he is, he's gone. Then this feeling washes over me of despair, emptiness, and awfulness! I can't breath and I gasp for air until I have to fall down and just cry out and cry! I feel so very, very scared and afraid of me, some days I look at me in the mirror and I think, who the hell is that, no joke! I am scared because I feel like I am loosing myself! Like I am going insane sometimes, completely and totally insane. My husband says you are not doing this very well, he says I am not either but I can't help you because I can't even help myself! Makes perfect sense, but he doesn't look crazy in the process! I really thought at the beginning it is horrible and unbearable now surely this will ease after awhile, nope 50 x's as bad....don't know where to go besides the local psychiatric ward. I have actually made jokes to people 72 hrs... lots of pills and I would be a new human being.....truth is if all the remaining days of my life were spent in a mental hospital, all the drugs in the world were given to me , the realization still remains (unless I am 100 % sedated for life) I CAN"T HAVE HIM BACK!!!!I CAN"T HAVE HIM BACK! I can't change it, I can't make it go away from my mind! I can't erase that memory of my baby boys face that morning hanging form that tree, white, cold and lifeless, it WILL NOT GO AWAY EVER, EVER, EVER! I can never feel his hand in mind, his face next to mine, I can never hear his, I love you! I can't drink this out of my system or my mind, I'm trying! I can't pray it away! It feels as if my boat is sinking. I would apologize but I just don't even have it in me to do! Like it or leave it, up to you!

You think I'm not there!

I saw the tears fall from your eyes. 
I saw the anguish on your face. 

I too once believed all those lies.
Heaven and hell had been taught in that place.
 
You think that I am no longer there
You don't understand I can be anywhere

Thoughts replaced knowing what was deep inside.
Needing to fit in, to belong, began to fill my head


 
 
What really was became the illusion and the truth had to hide.
The only choice heaven or hell the world of religions said.

So you think I am not there just because I died!
You are wrong for they all have lied.
 
I try to show you things, touch you to let you know I am near
Yet what you don't understand you have chosen to fear.
 
I don't want to scare you so I try different things
Sometimes a butterfly or a dragonfly on something with wings.
 
You think of me often, wondering why, your body will tremble and you again cry,
Please think of my laughter, let go of the pain, for I am free now and with you again.

I Am In The Light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.

I told you I wouldn't leave.

My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.

I still love you.

Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.

I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~

these are the places I stay with you.

My spirit rises every time you pray for me,

but my energy comes closer to you.

Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.

I am the feather that finds you in the yard,

the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,

I place our memories for you to see.

We lived in our special way,

a way that now has its focus changed.

I still crave your understanding

and long for the many words of prayer

and good fortune for my soul.

I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,

I watch silently.

Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world

to make you notice me.

Impressed by your grief,

I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.

As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.

You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.

My soul is now healthy.

Your love sends me new found energy.

I am adjusting to this new world.

I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.

I am with you wherever you go.

I protect you,

just as you protected me so many times.

Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.

Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.

Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.

Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.

I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.

This can be done because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.

My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.

Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had

when we were together in the physical sense.

You owe this to me, but more importantly,

you owe it to yourself.

Life continues for both of us.

I am with you because I love you

and I am in the Light.

-- Author Unknown

Becoming Nothing-Alan Watts

http://youtu.be/ZFU6Cp44Ztc

What We Are

A Mother Speaks Out About Suicide

Buddhist prayer for transcendence

May sorrow show me the way to compassion.
May I come to recognize the gift of my loved one`s death by opening my ear of compassion.
May I realize grace in the midst of suffering.
May this experience in some way be a blessing for me.
May loving-kindness sustain me.
May love fill and heal my body and mind.
May I be peaceful and let go of expectations.
May I find peace and strength that I may use my resources to help others.
May I receive the love and compassion of others.
May all those who are grieving be released from their suffering.
May I offer love, knowing that I cannot control the course of life, suffering, or death.
Coming home:
May I be open to the true nature of life.
May I open to the unknown as I let go of the known.
May I offer gratitude to those around me.
May I be grateful for this life.
May I and all beings live and die peacefully.

Dearest Mathew

I have had a good day today! I focused on trying not to focus on the day you died! Lol! Not very funny really but it's definitely a nightmare for me! I will go on. I miss everything about you, I think somewhere you may know that, I hope you do. It is terrifying being here without you, and it never seems to end. I attempt everyday to say today WILL be a better day and I will reach down deep and find some peace deep inside my soul. I attempt I repeat! I miss you everyday and in every thing I do I see you. I cry still every night before I go to bed! It hasn't stopped and I can't promise that soon it will or it ever will! I would be a liar.
I miss how great you smelled all the time, how handsome you were, no wonder you were gathering the ladies all the time, how could they resist you! Beautiful baby boy I brought into the world, I was and still am so lucky and so proud! Wish I would have told you even more.
I miss how you stood next to me and told me how short I had gotten when I got older, when you had gotten taller silly!
I miss how you ate peanut butter and jelly every night after you came home from your friends and just stood there and talked with me over your PB&J.
I miss how your blues hazel eyes changed with what you wore just like your mamas! So beautiful they were!
I miss seeing you coming across the yard every night. just seeing your face and your beautiful smile when you saw me, melted my soul! I always thought to myself, how lucky I am to have you!
I miss you always throwing your clothes all over your floor and just making the most unbelievable messes in your room that anyone could ever create! I wish I could see that again angel! I always told your dad he will fix it and you did, it was always perfect or a disaster no in between for you! LOL!
I miss you just sitting and talking to me, just hearing your thoughts on stuff, didn't matter what it was to me, I would listen to anything from you! I miss that so! You had so many great ideas and so many great opinions!
I miss your sweetness and your kindness and your always looking out for me! I want that back my baby!
I even miss you on your phone, even though I hate those things, I still miss saying Mat get off that phone!
I miss you saying, I love you mom, I will never, ever hear that from you again! I really can't live without that!
I miss how you loved your American Eagle clothes and how you loved and adored your shoes, Nikes, wow! The night you took your life, you washed and dried and cleaned your shoes and left them sitting to dry, laces washed and in the dryer, and you never came back for them, you never came back!!!!
I miss how sensitive you were and seeing you actually show that part of you, I cried, you better believe you cried too! You hated to see your mama hurt or be upset! You were a mamas boy and I so miss that!
I miss how courageous you were all the time! I always knew how much you effected the peoples paths you had crossed. They told me!
I miss how helpful you were to everyone that would only ask something of you, gladly and without complaining you would oblige them! You wouldn't let anyone struggle, you didn't have it in you. You would get so mad at me when I would do something that I really shouldn't be and would say, Mom why didn't you just ask! I should have just ask! I learned that from you!
I miss seeing you with your friends laughing and joking, happy and smiling! I miss your friends! I miss Travis and I miss your Ryan! I know they really miss you!
I even miss you saying, can I have $10 bucks or $20 bucks, now that's amazing!
I will miss not being able to see you grow and develop into a young man that would have rocked the world! 
I will miss not seeing you take a bride and walk her down the isle!
I will miss seeing you going to college or going to the service like you had planned!
I will miss grandchildren and maybe great grandchildren!
I will miss seeing you drive away or go off to a job, you just didn't make it here long enough to be able to accomplish enough of those dreams I had for you!
I will miss everything about you, everything! You were perfect my sweet baby boy, every fiber of your being was perfect, good, bad, all of it! I would give up my soul to hold you for 10 seconds and tell you how very much I love you and be able to see your sweet face again! I would give up my soul! My sweet baby Mathew, 10 seconds!!!!!!
Love you so mama!

I Believe

Dearest Mat

Today was the fair. Your favorite nephew Landen road the Ferris wheel, loved it! I saw a boy that looked just like you. Even had that hair thing going on! God how I miss your hair and your twinkling sweet baby blues. I really miss everything about you, especially your smile. Oh and that laugh and our talks and the way you loved me no matter what! Just like I loved you! Crazy how much I cried when I saw that boy and I closed my eyes and I said when I open them it will be you, God how we humans can be so delirious sometimes! God how I wished. Death is so very ugly! So cold today after April 20th, I really hate the cold even more then I used to remember? I was such a baby in the cold! God how I love you my darling sweet angel! See you soon sweet baby boy I will meet you with kisses and smiles and we will talk and laugh and dance the days away!

To infinity and beyond eternity!
In my heart and soul you live on!

Kisses to heaven!

Missing you so Mama! 

When a loss hits us

When a loss hits us,
we have not only the particular loss to mourn
but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions
of what life should be.
These life beliefs must be mourned separately.
Sometimes we must grieve for them first.
We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of
"It's not supposed to happen this way" . . .
We intellectually know that bad things happen ~
but to other people, not us,
and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . .
Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does.
You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up,
one that has room for the realities of life
and still offers safety and hope for a different life:
a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own
to be discovered with life and loss.
Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant
pushes its head upward, out of the ruin.
In our grief process, we are moving into life from death,
without denying the devastation that came before

 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, in
On Grief and Grieving : Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss

Dearest Sweet Baby Boy

Just as everyday I miss you so! Your sister and I have once again come to meet in the middle ground, really was all my fault again. You know I am so dam stuck on stuff! Well I got stuck again! The day your nephew was born I had a feeling, can't explain it. It was a bad one. Not about the baby or your sister, it was just inside of me! I panicked baby boy, that's the only way I can explain it, I just panicked. I couldn't stop it and I couldn't change it. It was awful! I could feel this emptiness and it was as though I should have been so very happy, but I just couldn't, I couldn't when you were not there to share it with us. It took me back to May 9th, 1996 and it shouldn't have. Crazy how things just happen!It just went down hill from there. Everything bad that could happen did. Wish you were there you would have changed so much. Anyways July 31, 2013 Emileo was welcomed into the world and you were not here and guess what neither was I! I was with you in my mind and my heart!
Love you, good night!

I Want You Here My Sweet Mathew!

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe
This pain
Can't be imagined
Will it ever heal?
Ooh... ooh... 

Your hand
So small
Held a strand of my hair
So strong
All I could do
Was keep believing
Was that enough?

Is anyone there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen, 
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh... 

I waited so long
For you to come
Then you were here
And now you're gone
I was not prepared
For you to leave me
Oh this is misery

Are you still there?

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen, 
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here

God help me, 
God help me, 
God help me
Breathe

I wanna scream
Is this a dream?
How could this happen, 
Happen to me?
This isn't fair
This nightmare
This kind of torture
I just can't bear
I want you here
I want you here
Ooh... ooh... 

An ache
So deep
That I
Can hardly breathe

Taken: Plumb

You can't go farther than my heart will go! Loving you always sweet baby boy! And I'll always be with you and you with me!

Dear God

May I be excused just for the day 
from the lessons of life in this huge classroom  

where we live and learn?

I am finding the lessons 

of this earth too hard to learn.

Just for the day, can I stop to rest in a quiet place  

and lay down my head.  

As you know, I have lost my son,  

and the role is too hard for me to play on this day,  

the words spoken are false  

my face is a mask, and my smiles are fake.  

The only truth I see is love, and that I find hard to see today  

So please, God  

may I have this day  

just for me  

no worries  

no lessons  

no pain  

just my inner peace 

that's been missing for some time.  

Please God may I be excused.  

Just for the day?