I Am Jealous Of The Angels

I heard that song on you tube and I realized baby boy I am jealous of the angels! Jealous they have you and I don't!
What a road we must now follow, what a lonely path! The only ones that understand this path are those who must also follow it! I never realized what it was to love so deeply and for a love to become so deeply embedded inside your soul until I gave birth to my childen. I knew of suffering but none so intense until one of those children was lost!
To have lost a child is intense, to have lost a child to suicide....undescribable! A grief at times that I can only describe as, a raw continuously open wound! Never heals, never completely closes! Always tugging at your heart, always tearing at your soul!
This grief causes you to cry, scream, become easily enraged, depressed and feeling quite alone, because who will listen and who will understand? It is a difficult road we travel as the parents whose babies have taken their own lives!
What does the future hold for us? Only God himself knows! We trust and we pray and God holds us each and everyone in his arms. He carries us as we so often are unable to carry ourselves physically and mentally!
Now that you are gone my Angel, my nightly ritual consists of....listening for your bells to ring, taking my Valerian Root because only God knows, a grieving mama never sleeps. I get down on my knees and pray. I pray for you, your daddy, your sisters and brothers, and me.I then pray for all the other people I have meant that have also lost their babies to suicide! Everyday same prayer, same ritual....routine now keeps me sane and I have to do that because as we all know I easily loose my mind since this has happened!
We will make it bubba! No one can otake our memories away! You took much when you left but you can never have my memories no one can!
And you know what I am deeply jealous that they have you! I can only imagine you are giving them a run for their money.

Mats Mama