What Emileo Missed

He missed you my darling Mat! He missed you! You were the missing piece! Were you there my darling? I sure hope in some way you were! Sure could have used your help! Your sweet sister is taking out fingers now! :)
Funny how the 2 of you, you and Jess, were so close until the drugs seperated you. Now she has isolated herself and numbed herself from everything. Scarey! Look out over Emileo you have to its your job and your sisters! Keep our Jess safe Mat! I can' t be with her but you can! Good night my sweet angel! Love you Bubba!  And P.S. stop it with the pipes already I get it!
Mama!

I Am Jealous Of The Angels

I heard that song on you tube and I realized baby boy I am jealous of the angels! Jealous they have you and I don't!
What a road we must now follow, what a lonely path! The only ones that understand this path are those who must also follow it! I never realized what it was to love so deeply and for a love to become so deeply embedded inside your soul until I gave birth to my childen. I knew of suffering but none so intense until one of those children was lost!
To have lost a child is intense, to have lost a child to suicide....undescribable! A grief at times that I can only describe as, a raw continuously open wound! Never heals, never completely closes! Always tugging at your heart, always tearing at your soul!
This grief causes you to cry, scream, become easily enraged, depressed and feeling quite alone, because who will listen and who will understand? It is a difficult road we travel as the parents whose babies have taken their own lives!
What does the future hold for us? Only God himself knows! We trust and we pray and God holds us each and everyone in his arms. He carries us as we so often are unable to carry ourselves physically and mentally!
Now that you are gone my Angel, my nightly ritual consists of....listening for your bells to ring, taking my Valerian Root because only God knows, a grieving mama never sleeps. I get down on my knees and pray. I pray for you, your daddy, your sisters and brothers, and me.I then pray for all the other people I have meant that have also lost their babies to suicide! Everyday same prayer, same ritual....routine now keeps me sane and I have to do that because as we all know I easily loose my mind since this has happened!
We will make it bubba! No one can otake our memories away! You took much when you left but you can never have my memories no one can!
And you know what I am deeply jealous that they have you! I can only imagine you are giving them a run for their money.

Mats Mama

Poem By Evelyn Brine

Everyday is A new beginning, 
Sometimes losing ,sometimes winning, 
Yet there is Really nothing to win, 
A New Day of life simply Begins! 

We are not the same As before, 
Since suicide opened it's horrific door, 
Life Goes on, Regardless Of Pain, 
Wondering If We live Each Day in Vain? 

When We suffered that first grief, 
When The Pain showed No Relief, 
When We asked the If"s and Why's, 
Exhausted , drained of All but A sigh 

Somehow We found our Way, 
To survive Still another Day, 
As we held the deep dispair, 
Pain became our greatest Care, 

Pain so enormously Great, 
Held us down With all It's weight, 
Focused wasn't A gift for Me, 
Beyond such Pain I could not See. 

My Entire life was mine to Gain, 
As time overruled the pain, 
Sense of time, I have no clue, 
I only know it can happen for You. 

Everyday is A beautiful Beginning, 
We think We're Losing, We Are Winning, 
A New Life compassionate And strong, 
A life of wisdom And where We belong! 

Evelyn Brine 

The Suicide Curse By Evelyn Brine

They stood alone in the dark,
A numbness tore at their Heart,
for their child completed suicide,
Am emptyness they could not Hide,

Could not hide? what do you mean?
Why hide the facts that need to be seen?
Were you one moment yet Ashamed,
It would be degrading to your Name?

As it was many many years ago?
Shh!, We must not Let anyone Know,
So They kept it all repressed,
Next generation Met the same Death!

Repression is terrible indeed,
Never brings help to one in Need,
Nothing to be shamed about suicide,
It Is simply the Way one was to Die.

The only shame that one should Feel,
The fact ,their illness could not be Healed!
If It was Cancer or any other Disease,
Society would never put on the freeze.

How do we educate The cluless Ones?
We start by doing what must be done,
I for one would Definitely Insist,
Died by suicide, Read The OBit.

By doing this , What would I Gain?
Maybe another would do the Same,
It could become A lengthy chain
Proving that none of us are Ashamed

Our children lived, To society they Gave
Carrying their illness, they were Brave,
They did not wait &sit idly By,
Knowing that they were going to die.

They lived A life that was Fulfilling,
Doing their job which encluded giving,
To society whatever the cost,
How soon , It Would be their Loss,

For Society has become their judge,
Society still holds A Grudge,
It Is up to us to change this Course,
To Rid our loved ones of the suicide curse.

Evelyn Brine

Grief

Grief is not the enemy.
Grief is the teacher. 
But its lessons are not learned in the head.
With the mind.
Its lessons are heart lessons.
Love-centered.
Filtered through grace. 
Over 
and over
and over
again
our mind will say
“But, this is not fair.”
“I don’t deserve this.”
“Why me?”
“I will never get over this.”
“The pain will always be there.” 
Don’t get trapped
in the viscous
replaying
voices
of your mind. 
Grief is not a head-thing.
Not if you want to heal. 
Healing grief 
is a heart thing. 
And when the heart speaks
to you
in silence
it says
I know darkness
deep, all-encompassing, endless
darkness
so I will be light
for the next person. 
I know loneliness
even in (especially in)
a room full of people
so I will be friend
for the next person. 
I know terror
Indescribable,
inexplicable
terror
so I will be comfort
for the next person. 
And I know despair.
Paralyzing
can’t-get-out-of-bed
life is too dark
despair
so I will be hope
for the next person. 
And in time
with grace
and heart
I realize that
I am more of who I was
not less. 
I am more.
Not less. 
We think that grief is the enemy
to be avoided at all costs.
It is not.
Grief is not the enemy.
Great is the great, life-giving teacher. 
Not in spite of the fact that someone you love has died.
But because of that fact that someone you love has died. 
Grief is the teacher.
The life-giving, heart-expanding teacher.
Because you have chosen to say yes
to life
to love
to your beloved, 
really,
over
and over
and over again. 
Grief is not the enemy. 
Tom Zuba 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness ends suffering that stems from harboring rage towards oneself 
or others. It lets the air out of the balloons of holding one's breath, 
filled with anger. When you decide that a wrong has occurred -- regardless of the 
perpetrator -- you place that situation into a prison cell and hold it 
captive in your consciousness. 

The perception of 'evil' that you harbor within yourself is akin to 
swallowing a foreign virus that subsequently attacks your physical self. It is 
impossible to perceive evil and harbor it in consciousness and not have it 
negatively impact you. 

Forgiveness frees these unwanted tenants from your system, freeing you to 
heal on many dimensions. When we speak of forgiveness, though, we see 
certain efforts in this direction falling short of their mark. Forgiveness with 
judgment is ineffective. To be free is to release the judgment of wrongdoing 
entirely. 

Give the situation to God and the angels, and know that we will effectively 
guide the situation -- and all involved. In that way, you will not need to 
be the captor or the judge of the situation or people, whether they be 
'perpetrators' or 'victims'. 

You are given the power to heal, a power so lovely that if you cast your 
eyes before it, you would fall to your knees in awe of the Creator's great 
gift to you! Your willingness to utilize your power in the in the name of 
healing is a chief incentive for you to allow forgiveness to reign. 

You are not forgiving because of some prescript, but because you can 
forgive. You are not forgiving to gain or to lose something, but because you can 
forgive. Your power is so great that you have the ability to forgive all. . . 
for all. 

Forgive yourself, Darling Child of God, for your harsh judgments of your 
reality! You have selected instances of your life, and judged them strongly 
with malice. Yet, is this a way to heal yourself or others? 

Does such self-judgment remove your consciousness from the Light? For the 
only judgment worthy of you is this: In each situation, ask whether each 
thought, each word, and each deed creates a greater or a lesser awareness of 
love. 

Walk On...U2

Suicide Is

"Suicide is
unspeakable, and to speak it is somehow to bring it into a human, imaginable
sphere, even if only in the moment of speaking. The need to tell is both a need
to tell oneself and a need to be heard.... Telling and being heard are the
first steps toward reconnection." ~ Victoria Alexander

Never Be Forgotten

My Dear Old Friend...Patty Griffin

No Matter What

Broken...Lifehouse

Jenn Bostic "Jealous Of The Angels"

Address In The Stars...Caitlin And Will

I Look To You...Whitney Houston