Wednesday, July 30, 2014
After all these months I am still here! Most days are unbearable. But on we must go. Not remembering, not my option in this situation. I remember everyday! I now kind of do this deflective behavior I guess in my mind. When the pain becomes overwhelming, those days when sweat runs down my brow, and I begin to panic, I move into the place in my mind where thoughts are different, happy, and my soul is at peace. They are always of my darling son, just not those destructive thoughts. Peaceful images where I see him smiling, playing, being mischievous! Laughing, sleeping. How I loved to watch my babies sleep! Their beautiful, peaceful faces. You wonder what are you dreaming of my angel? Why are you smiling so? Are the angels still singing to you? Never does a mother see her child's face anywhere except for in nightmares, cold, lifeless, and without breath. Nor did God ever plan that for us to as mothers I would imagine! Days it seems as if I am the man that is so small being crushed by the shoe. Some days it is easy to push that weight away, on others I am almost over taken! The weight of grief is always heavy, but some days it feels as if it is a million trillion pounds! Exhausting and overwhelming! Over taking me! Never is it relentless. So many triggers. So much meaning to so many simple things can bring tears to these eyes the last 18 months! I can pick a line from a song, an entire song, a wind that catches me of guard. A sunrise, a sunset! In everything, I see him in it all! I see him in it ALL!!!!
Posted by Katie at 4:34 PM
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
You went away in early spring
Just as the birds began to sing,
When snow still lay upon the ground,
And robins could nowhere be found.
And we went walking through the snow
To find the place your grave would go,
With wooden hearts and clouded thoughts
Of all the pain this day had brought.
I heard the crunching sound our feet
Made in the snow which was not deep;
My thoughts were jumbled...rambling...wild;
How could it be we'd lost our child?
How could it be when you're not grown
You have to God already flown?
No answers came to soothe my soul,
Which from that day will ne'er be whole.
The earth has circled many times
Since first I heard those mournful chimes
And seasons come and seasons go,
Though still my heart's oft filled with woe.
Looking back, I realize
Death took the sparkle from my eyes,
Bedimmed them both with pain and tears,
To suffer many lonely years.
That sense of loss is with me still
As I stand upon this ghostly hill
Where you and other children lie
In silent sleep beneath the sky.
And yet I know you lie not there;
Your soul can travel everywhere!
And someday you will come for me
And take me where I long to be.
I love you for eternity!
Saralyn McAfee Smith
Posted by Katie at 5:17 PM