Tuesday, September 30, 2014

You Did Not Go Alone My Son


Monday, September 29, 2014

It's Like Being On The Outside Looking In

It sometimes feels as if I am outside looking in at my life. Or so I wish! A nightmare that surely I will wake from any day soon! I am lost on most days, lost in thoughts of my son! It's as if the old me is screaming and clawing to get back in. But I fear it never will! The day I lost my angel is the day a hole started to develop way deep inside of my heart! My heart is leaking sadness and despair for a son I will never again hold in my arms, never again. Those words pierce me through and through, forever, never ever, they are awful words now! I feel like the woman in the picture looking at her life a year and 8 months prior just not able to get to it! My grief is the glass, and the fog and the gloom! It hangs over my soul and will not let me free! It will not let me free!


You Are Everywhere!

When we were driving up I said to myself God how I wish you were here with is! I said if you are here you have to make me know, I said while I was driving make me look down and the speedometer say 420 when I looked down then I didn't think about it for a long while. It was late and I was tired and I looked down and the speedometer said 16,420 I think that was you! Brought tears to my eyes because I knew your presence was there with us! Next I was listening to a song and it reminded me of you, bingo, what does this say! Matt! Enough said! They are with us always! :)

Saw You In My Dreams Baby! OFFICIAL Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo╩╗ole - White Sandy Beach Video

I saw you baby boy in my dreams, I miss you so much!

White Sandy Beach

I saw you in my dreams

We were walking hand in hand

On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii

We were playing in the sun

We were having so much fun

On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii

The sound of the ocean

Soothes my restless soul

The sound of the ocean

Rocks me all night long

Those hot long summer days

Lying there in the sun

On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii

The sound of the ocean

Soothes my restless soul

The sound of the ocean

Rocks me all night long

Last night in my dreams

I saw your face again

We were there in the sun

On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii



Saturday, September 27, 2014

We Have To Choose Joy


We do. we absolutely do! Or we cannot exist as human beings! We have to reach into the depths of our broken souls and we must find that one small ever so minuet shred of joy and we must cause it to sing louder than the loudest of all the music on this earth! It is all we have left when our hearts are torn and it seems almost impossible at times to repair that which is so very broken! We have few choices left now. We lost the one choice that could have turned this bus around, our babies here with us and in our arms, where they belong! We have been stripped of all that made us feel as if we were whole, the right to be a mother to a living breathing soul! How do you mother a dead child, please someone tell me? I still in my soul continue to feel as if I am responsible to mother and nurture even when my son is long gone from this earth. The bond and the love will continue on until we meet again, but in my heart I cannot allow that to be broken between us! Death itself cannot take away the memories, the sound of his voice, the laughter, his presence here with me. I will continue to be responsible for carrying on his legacy to others. He cannot die unless he has lived, and lived he has. Therefore he lives within my soul. I am as much a part of him as he was a part of me. We are one, there is no separation, unless I myself allow that separation to occur! I will sing out his name and his praises. Mathew was not just about what he was the night of April 20,2013. Mathew was about 16 years of life. Mathew was about love and kindness and sweetness! Suicide does not define who an individual is!  It defines an accumulation of life events ending in a very great sadness! My sadness must end with a great joy, reuniting with my son Mathew. And many years from now when that occurs, God willing, I must bring great joy with me to my son. Everyday I feel his presence here with me. As I speak to him and cry to him and write to him. I know he knows my devotion just as I know he knew it when he was alive. He always hated it the most when I would cry or I was sad! I feel as if I dishonor him when I cry now. As if once again I am repeating the cycle of great sadness, the same that took his life. The continuous agonizing that he himself did feel on that very night! So I guess hes trying to tell me something here, that at some point in our grief and in my mourning of his loss, I have to remember to celebrate his life, his goodness, I have to choose joy! When I get lost in his end I guess, I cannot make a beginning, sounds like a riddle really. You have to be able to see beyond the clouds. The sun is shining somewhere and I think he is trying to lead me to it!


Broken Hearts


Wednesday, September 10, 2014


A Candle For My Love

I'll put a candle in the window;
My love for you will always burn.
My soul is there beside you,
Let this candle guide you,
To my heart which for you yearns.

A cold and friendless world surrounds me,
I can't let the stormy darkness pull me down.
Please paint a ray of hope around me,
Circling in the air,
Lighted by a prayer.

I'll put a candle in the window,
This flame inside of me will grow.
I'll keep holding on, I'll make it;
Here's my hand, so take it,
Look for me, reaching out to show,
As sure as rivers flow,
I'll never let you go.
I'll never let you go.

Loving you always! <3