After all these months I am still here! Most days are unbearable. But on we must go. Not remembering, not my option in this situation. I remember everyday! I now kind of do this deflective behavior I guess in my mind. When the pain becomes overwhelming, those days when sweat runs down my brow, and I begin to panic, I move into the place in my mind where thoughts are different, happy, and my soul is at peace. They are always of my darling son, just not those destructive thoughts. Peaceful images where I see him smiling, playing, being mischievous! Laughing, sleeping. How I loved to watch my babies sleep! Their beautiful, peaceful faces. You wonder what are you dreaming of my angel? Why are you smiling so? Are the angels still singing to you? Never does a mother see her child's face anywhere except for in nightmares, cold, lifeless, and without breath. Nor did God ever plan that for us to as mothers I would imagine! Days it seems as if I am the man that is so small being crushed by the shoe. Some days it is easy to push that weight away, on others I am almost over taken! The weight of grief is always heavy, but some days it feels as if it is a million trillion pounds! Exhausting and overwhelming! Over taking me! Never is it relentless. So many triggers. So much meaning to so many simple things can bring tears to these eyes the last 18 months! I can pick a line from a song, an entire song, a wind that catches me of guard. A sunrise, a sunset! In everything, I see him in it all! I see him in it ALL!!!!
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