Monday, September 30, 2013

Thinking About You Sweet Boy

I think in my heart I am still waiting for you to walk through that door. And I wait and I will never come back! Never! Everyday I have to smack myself, I say to myself just wake up from this God awful nightmare! 5 months it hasn' t changed, the aching in my heart, it hasn' t stopped and it never will!
How do you make a mothers heart heal, you can't, it never will! I could light a trillion candles for you, it won' t stop the crying and it won't stop this pain.
Never the same, never like when you were here! What the hell were you thinking? That I wouldn't absolutely die without you here? That my heart wouldn't leave the day I lost my son! If you thought I would be fine then you were really, really just not thinking. If you thought I wouldn't loose my mind....something made you so disconnected from my heart, you couldn't come back!
Everyday you occupy my thoughts. No more what ifs. So what the hell if? Who gives a shit anymore, what if's mean nothing! Don't mean a dam thing now huh? If I don't type to cyber heaven I will be right there with you.
Problem with that is in my thoughts, I wonder where that with you is. If we go to heaven when we take our own life, I guess we have it made huh? If not I guess we would be screwed! I've already been that...April 20, 2013. I invested 17 years of love into a son that took 30 minutes to decide that it was OK to leave me!
Dear God in heaven, what if you hadn't? What if????

Thursday, September 26, 2013


The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness. The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks also the end of our concern with the world around us. It is as if we noted the world and think about it only when we have to report it to ourselves.”
-Eric Hoffer

Your Girl Came To Visit You Tonight

Your baby was here Mat...she came for you again! She always does, of course you know she does! Everytime I see her I realize why it was that you picked her. She is so beautiful and so sweet. Her smile melts your heart as I'm sure you already know baby boy. What a wonderful choice you made we so approved! She was definitely the best one by far!!!! Very mature, with a beautiful personality, we can always see the attraction, it's so easy. You 2 were perfect, absolutely perfect. When I look at the pictures of you and her and you and other girlfriends you had, it's so obvious the reason you said, I am going to marry this one. Wish that could have come true. The look you had in your eyes was love, only love for her, wish you could have been level headed enough to realize all that you had. It was there Mat.
She still comes to be there with you baby, just like we do. That dam tree is so awful in one breath and in another so dam comforting, most likely because that was where you took your last breath. I still sit and I still cry and I still get lost there, lost with thoughts of you. I always feel if I am there I am still with you, even though I know you are everywhere not just there.
I love you my darling Mat, my angel and I know in my heart she was just so much in love with you! I would have taken her in a moment into our family. There are a couple I sure wouldn't have said that about but I am really mad that I will never have the chance to have her become a part of our family. The crazies and the control freaks just weren't your style...THANK GOD!!! Your sweet Ashley, I think that was the one for you....obviously huh?
Adoring you always my darling Mat...I won't forget! And I am pretty sure she never will either! Always good memories Bubba, always!
Love tonight from your 2 girls! <3 <3

Rex Goudie- Call your name

Friday, September 20, 2013

5 Months in just a few hours..

5 months my darling baby boy.
5 months since I heard your voice.
5 months since I watched you sleep.
5 months since I saw your smile, heard your
laugh. Kissed your face, or held your hand.
5 months since I have heard, I love you mom, I love you
5 months since I saw you alive and it has been the longest 5 months
I have ever experienced as long as I have been alive!

I miss you so much my darling!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Synthetic Pot Suspected in Kidney Failures

Synthetic Pot Suspected in Kidney Failures: By Nick Wasson, M.D.: Spice. K2. Herbal incense. You’ve heard the names, and now these drugs known as synthetic marijuana have been implicated in acute kidney damage. A new report from the  U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention links the so-called designer drugs to 16...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Mumma please don’t mourn for me I’m still here though you don’t see I’m right by your side each night and day and within your heart I long to stay my body is gone but I’m always near I’m everything you feel see or hear my spirit is free but I’ll never depart as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight I’m the brightest star on a summer night I’ll never be beyond your reach I’m the warm moist sand when you’re at the beach I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around and the pure white snow that blankets the ground I’m the beautiful flowers of which you are so fond the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring the first warm raindrop that April will bring I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine and you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you you can talk to me through the Lord above you I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees and you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face just look for me Mumma I’m every place!

Nearer My God to Thee (for 9 cellos) - ThePianoGuys

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


Tom Zuba posted this on his Facebook page today,

to be honest,
I have considered it myself,
more than once,
over these past 20+ years,
I still can’t imagine
not really
(thank God)
what it has been like for many of you,
too many of you
to enter your child’s room
to find him hanging by a rope
or the garage
and find him lying on the floor
or to receive the call
telling you she has shot herself
this time for good
or taken way too many pills
or drinks
or completed (this time) any of the countless other ways that those we love so dearly decide that what is best for all involved is for him or her to end life. On this planet. 
and then yours.
As you knew it.
I can say
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
a thousand times 
I am sorry
and then
a thousand more times
I am sorry.
And that would not be enough.
I can not bring your beloved back to life
as much as I wish I could,
with your help,
I can bring you back to life.
I have the tools.
I have the experience.
I have the desire.
To create a place for you
right here
in this Healing Circle
where you get to feel all of it.
Every feeling
and every emotion
yearning to be seen, heard and honored.
Reminding you over and over again
that you are not your feelings.
You are so much more than
and all the other feelings and emotions surging through you.
At your very, 
you are love.
And you are lovable.
in the end 
(as in the beginning)
love is all there is.
And love heals everything.
A number of years ago
I had the privilege 
of hearing the Dalai Lama speak in Chicago.
He said, “You Americans have lost hope. It’s why the suicide rate in your country continues to soar. You must be find hope again.”
Let me be hope for you.
Let us be hope for you.
Until you, 
are able to be hope,
or for the first time.
On this day,
September 10, 2013,
World Suicide Prevention Day,
I offer you love
and hope.
Always hope.
Tom Zuba


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Suicide By Amanda Evans

The power to suppress
The pain and the loss
The tears and the sadness
The grief inside
Lying there
Sleep please, oh sleep
The memories suppressed
No power to deal
With the pain that you caused
The gap no one can fill
Your selfish act
Leaves me broken
Afraid to love
Afraid to live
Through suppression I survive
Suicide not only killed you

Copyright © Amanda Evans

Quote On Out of the Ashes Facebook Page

This quote speaks to me as a mother who has lost a son to suicide. How true a word ever spoken: the lesson is the hardest one I've ever faced...and I am no willing student.
Give it time is what people keep saying as I continue here without you.  As if time is some magic elixir that will heal the pain of losing one so dearly loved. How can time take away the pain of an unspoken goodbye?  How can time fill the vast and empty space of broken and lost dreams as I watch the world keep turning without you? Time can’t even give me the answer to the simple question of ‘why?’  No ... time does not heal.  Time is merely a teacher.  A teacher that is forcing me to make room for the pain, the grief and the never-ending longing to see your smile again and hold you close.  Time does not heal, time instructs, and the lesson is the hardest one I've ever faced . . . and I am no its unwilling student.  
Kelly Polley

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Eternal Grief

Come sit with me a while in this place that I call grief,
A place that is dense with guilt, sadness and unbearable pain,
A place where past images and harsh words crowd your mind,
Where things you should or shouldn’t have said haunt you
And things you did or didn’t do rip your heart apart.
Come sit with me a while and feel the suffocating remorse.
Remember the pain in the eyes of the persecuted,
The one who felt he had nowhere to turn in his hour of need,
The one who hated himself and felt that no one loved him,
The one who saw no other way to end his anguish.
Come sit with me in this place of self-reproach and torture,
A place of failure and helplessness, nostalgia and longing.
Come sit with me and look back at his compassion and forgiveness,
His concern for those less fortunate than himself.
Watch the bullies taunt him and see him cry alone,
Suffering silently to protect his family from his pain.
Watch him give his pocket money to the homeless man,
Or give his last sweet to his mum or friend.
Watch him strive to be loved and accepted by everyone
And feel the pain of rejection in his heart with each rebuff.
Watch him find comfort in a needle of death,
Watch him sink into total oblivion; a permanent solution
To the meaningless abyss that had become his life.
Come sit with me and view the future that will never be,
A future void of his laughter, his hugs and his love,
A future where he’ll never share his daughter’s life,
A future for his daughter without a proud father by her side.
Come sit with me and struggle to hold this mask in place,
A mask that smiles and says, “Hey, I’m fine,”
Even when you are dying inside and want to scream,
“No, I’m not fine at all. Can you really handle the truth?”
Come sit with me a while in this place that I call grief
And try to tell me that time is a healer.
When you sit with me in this invisible place, you will know
That grief after a child’s suicide is eternal.

Go Rest High on That Mountain (lyrics) - Vince Gill

Sia-Lullaby Lyrics

Trading Yesterday - Shattered [lyrics]

"Not Alone" Lyrics - RED - Until We Have Faces

What If - Safetysuit

On Screen Lyrics - Safety Suit - Life Left To Go - HD

My sweet baby boy, I miss you so badly it feels as if I am dying inside sometimes! Unbelievable! I saw in something that I was reading a quote that... suicide was not only death to the individual themselves, but it was like the person who had committed suicide had all their family and friends around them when they did it and it was as if they had pulled the pin on a hand grenade. I really believe that to be the first truth that I have heard in months, a very accurate comparison! Anyways this song is a what if for me. It is heart breaking!