Wednesday, December 25, 2013

You'll Be Home For Christmas

I'm dreaming tonight of the boy I lost
And feeling so very blue,
And although I know you can't really come back,
I promise you

You'll be home for Christmas,
Just you wait and see.
We'll have snow and mistletoe
And trains around the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the tree lights gleam,
You'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.

You'll be home for Christmas-
How I'll welcome you
With lots of trains and aeroplanes
And then I won't be blue.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the tree lights gleam.
You'll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.


Sunday, December 15, 2013

My Grief is Like a River

My grief is like a river--
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine Just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me In waves of guilt and pain, But there are always quiet pools Where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger-- My faith seems faint indeed, But there are other swimmers Who know that what I need
Are loving hands to hold me When the waters are too swift, And someone kind to listen When I just seem to drift.
Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in Hope's channels I'll reach the shore at last.
Author Unknown 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

OFFICIAL Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo╩╗ole - White Sandy Beach Video

I saw you in my dreams baby boy......

White Sandy Beach

I saw you in my dreams
We were walking hand in hand
On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii
We were playing in the sun
We were having so much fun
On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii
The sound of the ocean
Soothes my restless soul
The sound of the ocean
Rocks me all night long
Those hot long summer days
Lying there in the sun
On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii
The sound of the ocean
Soothes my restless soul
The sound of the ocean
Rocks me all night long
Last night in my dreams
I saw your face again
We were there in the sun
On a white, sandy beach of Hawaii

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving Sweet Baby Boy

It's unbearable without you my darling! Sad day my love! Went to bed with tears in my eyes, woke up with the same. Today we will be setting a place for you, you will not be there, but we place our hope in your spirit attending! Come sit with us my darling as we talk about your life. How precious you were to us and how terribly loved and missed you have been!

Sit with us my darling as tears stream down our faces as we recall a life that was not played out! Your life my darling! It has been 8 months and still I ask why. Why you made this choice, I will never understand! The memories they are of better things now. Still have panic attacks every time I recall that day in April! I try not to go back, to painful, to awful.

Our table feels full today but yet it is so very empty! You are not with us! My heart is in turmoil as is my soul! My head and my heart hurt so badly today, I cannot escape the memories and the longing in my heart for more!

On this and on every Thanksgiving we remember you sweet baby boy! We miss your smile, your voice, your laughter. We miss you being so funny, we miss your face in that phone... Lol! We miss everything about you we thought we never would! We just miss you! Someday we will celebrate again together then forever my darling! 

Kisses to heaven on this day and everyday!  Mama

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Lisa Gerrard & M. De Francisci - ''In The Beginning Was The Word''.wmv (...

Lisa Gerrard & Patrick Cassidy Immortal Memory (+playlist)

Lisa Gerrard ~ The Black Opal (+playlist)

In Exile [Lisa Gerrard] (+playlist)

Lisa Gerrard & Pieter Bourke "Sacrifice" (+playlist)

Lisa Gerrard - Serenity (+playlist)

On An Ocean - Lisa Gerrard (+playlist)

Lisa Gerrard - Solace (+playlist)

Lisa Gerrard - Sleep (+playlist)

Eternity - genius Lisa Gerard (+playlist)

Monday, November 11, 2013

Miss Me

 Miss me, but let me go 
When I come to the end of the road 
And the sun has set for me 
I want no rites in a gloom filled room 
Why cry for a soul set free 
Miss me a little – but not too long 
And not with your head bowed low 
Remember the love that we once shared 
Miss me – but let me go 
For this is a journey that we must all take 
And each must go alone 
It’s all a part of the Master’s plan 
A step on the road to home 
When you are lonely, and sick of heart 
Go to the friends we know 
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds 
Miss me – but let me go

Author Unknown

Friday, November 8, 2013

Anugama - Shamanic Journey - Om Shanti.

I can only hope that your journey ended with great peace and that you are now resting with the father. I listen to these great songs of healing, I hope someday my soul will find that great peace! My soul will rest when it finds its place with yours my son.

Hard Things....Ann Woodly

There are things to hard to tell;
Images that defy imagining:
Concepts too horrific for the mind to hold;
But they reside with us.
Take up residence in our brain;
Cleaving the soul like shards of glass;
Shattering all you know into useless,
granular pieces; 
Striking with a furry that knocks you to your knees.
They are persistent, merciless visions,  
laying waste to all you once believed.
Shredding ego, leaving you disemboweled, vacant, bleeding.
And this is a terminal condition; whether it kills us or not, 
one thing is certain; we will die with it!
How am I you ask?
Do you really want to know?
I wouldn't think so!
But since you inquired I will invite you into my memory.
Welcome this is where I live now!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Asked For Love- Lisa Gerrard

I am so sorry if I did not hear my sweet baby boy! I am so sorry! I think you didn't see and that is my fault! You asked and I was blind! How could I be so blind my baby boy!

Timelapse- Lisa Gerrard

Does not matter the time my love that has lapsed. It is as if it was a second ago! Love you always Mat! See you soon my darling, angel!

The Valley Of The Moon- Lisa Gerrard

Serenity- Lisa Gerrard

Vespars- Lisa Gerrard

Monday, October 28, 2013

Friday, October 25, 2013

Devotion- Forever To You My Sweet Son

Missing you forever my darling baby boy! Forever in my thoughts, never gone from my heart! Sadness has forever descended over my soul and being! It will never be the same, my heart is broken until the day that we are reunited! God I pray!!!!

Monday, September 30, 2013

Thinking About You Sweet Boy

I think in my heart I am still waiting for you to walk through that door. And I wait and I will never come back! Never! Everyday I have to smack myself, I say to myself just wake up from this God awful nightmare! 5 months it hasn' t changed, the aching in my heart, it hasn' t stopped and it never will!
How do you make a mothers heart heal, you can't, it never will! I could light a trillion candles for you, it won' t stop the crying and it won't stop this pain.
Never the same, never like when you were here! What the hell were you thinking? That I wouldn't absolutely die without you here? That my heart wouldn't leave the day I lost my son! If you thought I would be fine then you were really, really just not thinking. If you thought I wouldn't loose my mind....something made you so disconnected from my heart, you couldn't come back!
Everyday you occupy my thoughts. No more what ifs. So what the hell if? Who gives a shit anymore, what if's mean nothing! Don't mean a dam thing now huh? If I don't type to cyber heaven I will be right there with you.
Problem with that is in my thoughts, I wonder where that with you is. If we go to heaven when we take our own life, I guess we have it made huh? If not I guess we would be screwed! I've already been that...April 20, 2013. I invested 17 years of love into a son that took 30 minutes to decide that it was OK to leave me!
Dear God in heaven, what if you hadn't? What if????

Thursday, September 26, 2013


The end comes when we no longer talk with ourselves. It is the end of genuine thinking and the beginning of the final loneliness. The remarkable thing is that the cessation of the inner dialogue marks also the end of our concern with the world around us. It is as if we noted the world and think about it only when we have to report it to ourselves.”
-Eric Hoffer

Your Girl Came To Visit You Tonight

Your baby was here Mat...she came for you again! She always does, of course you know she does! Everytime I see her I realize why it was that you picked her. She is so beautiful and so sweet. Her smile melts your heart as I'm sure you already know baby boy. What a wonderful choice you made we so approved! She was definitely the best one by far!!!! Very mature, with a beautiful personality, we can always see the attraction, it's so easy. You 2 were perfect, absolutely perfect. When I look at the pictures of you and her and you and other girlfriends you had, it's so obvious the reason you said, I am going to marry this one. Wish that could have come true. The look you had in your eyes was love, only love for her, wish you could have been level headed enough to realize all that you had. It was there Mat.
She still comes to be there with you baby, just like we do. That dam tree is so awful in one breath and in another so dam comforting, most likely because that was where you took your last breath. I still sit and I still cry and I still get lost there, lost with thoughts of you. I always feel if I am there I am still with you, even though I know you are everywhere not just there.
I love you my darling Mat, my angel and I know in my heart she was just so much in love with you! I would have taken her in a moment into our family. There are a couple I sure wouldn't have said that about but I am really mad that I will never have the chance to have her become a part of our family. The crazies and the control freaks just weren't your style...THANK GOD!!! Your sweet Ashley, I think that was the one for you....obviously huh?
Adoring you always my darling Mat...I won't forget! And I am pretty sure she never will either! Always good memories Bubba, always!
Love tonight from your 2 girls! <3 <3

Rex Goudie- Call your name

Friday, September 20, 2013

5 Months in just a few hours..

5 months my darling baby boy.
5 months since I heard your voice.
5 months since I watched you sleep.
5 months since I saw your smile, heard your
laugh. Kissed your face, or held your hand.
5 months since I have heard, I love you mom, I love you
5 months since I saw you alive and it has been the longest 5 months
I have ever experienced as long as I have been alive!

I miss you so much my darling!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Synthetic Pot Suspected in Kidney Failures

Synthetic Pot Suspected in Kidney Failures: By Nick Wasson, M.D.: Spice. K2. Herbal incense. You’ve heard the names, and now these drugs known as synthetic marijuana have been implicated in acute kidney damage. A new report from the  U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention links the so-called designer drugs to 16...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013


Mumma please don’t mourn for me I’m still here though you don’t see I’m right by your side each night and day and within your heart I long to stay my body is gone but I’m always near I’m everything you feel see or hear my spirit is free but I’ll never depart as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight I’m the brightest star on a summer night I’ll never be beyond your reach I’m the warm moist sand when you’re at the beach I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around and the pure white snow that blankets the ground I’m the beautiful flowers of which you are so fond the clear cool water in a quiet pond. I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring the first warm raindrop that April will bring I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine and you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you you can talk to me through the Lord above you I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees and you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze. I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face just look for me Mumma I’m every place!

Nearer My God to Thee (for 9 cellos) - ThePianoGuys

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


Tom Zuba posted this on his Facebook page today,

to be honest,
I have considered it myself,
more than once,
over these past 20+ years,
I still can’t imagine
not really
(thank God)
what it has been like for many of you,
too many of you
to enter your child’s room
to find him hanging by a rope
or the garage
and find him lying on the floor
or to receive the call
telling you she has shot herself
this time for good
or taken way too many pills
or drinks
or completed (this time) any of the countless other ways that those we love so dearly decide that what is best for all involved is for him or her to end life. On this planet. 
and then yours.
As you knew it.
I can say
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
a thousand times 
I am sorry
and then
a thousand more times
I am sorry.
And that would not be enough.
I can not bring your beloved back to life
as much as I wish I could,
with your help,
I can bring you back to life.
I have the tools.
I have the experience.
I have the desire.
To create a place for you
right here
in this Healing Circle
where you get to feel all of it.
Every feeling
and every emotion
yearning to be seen, heard and honored.
Reminding you over and over again
that you are not your feelings.
You are so much more than
and all the other feelings and emotions surging through you.
At your very, 
you are love.
And you are lovable.
in the end 
(as in the beginning)
love is all there is.
And love heals everything.
A number of years ago
I had the privilege 
of hearing the Dalai Lama speak in Chicago.
He said, “You Americans have lost hope. It’s why the suicide rate in your country continues to soar. You must be find hope again.”
Let me be hope for you.
Let us be hope for you.
Until you, 
are able to be hope,
or for the first time.
On this day,
September 10, 2013,
World Suicide Prevention Day,
I offer you love
and hope.
Always hope.
Tom Zuba


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Suicide By Amanda Evans

The power to suppress
The pain and the loss
The tears and the sadness
The grief inside
Lying there
Sleep please, oh sleep
The memories suppressed
No power to deal
With the pain that you caused
The gap no one can fill
Your selfish act
Leaves me broken
Afraid to love
Afraid to live
Through suppression I survive
Suicide not only killed you

Copyright © Amanda Evans

Quote On Out of the Ashes Facebook Page

This quote speaks to me as a mother who has lost a son to suicide. How true a word ever spoken: the lesson is the hardest one I've ever faced...and I am no willing student.
Give it time is what people keep saying as I continue here without you.  As if time is some magic elixir that will heal the pain of losing one so dearly loved. How can time take away the pain of an unspoken goodbye?  How can time fill the vast and empty space of broken and lost dreams as I watch the world keep turning without you? Time can’t even give me the answer to the simple question of ‘why?’  No ... time does not heal.  Time is merely a teacher.  A teacher that is forcing me to make room for the pain, the grief and the never-ending longing to see your smile again and hold you close.  Time does not heal, time instructs, and the lesson is the hardest one I've ever faced . . . and I am no its unwilling student.  
Kelly Polley

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Eternal Grief

Come sit with me a while in this place that I call grief,
A place that is dense with guilt, sadness and unbearable pain,
A place where past images and harsh words crowd your mind,
Where things you should or shouldn’t have said haunt you
And things you did or didn’t do rip your heart apart.
Come sit with me a while and feel the suffocating remorse.
Remember the pain in the eyes of the persecuted,
The one who felt he had nowhere to turn in his hour of need,
The one who hated himself and felt that no one loved him,
The one who saw no other way to end his anguish.
Come sit with me in this place of self-reproach and torture,
A place of failure and helplessness, nostalgia and longing.
Come sit with me and look back at his compassion and forgiveness,
His concern for those less fortunate than himself.
Watch the bullies taunt him and see him cry alone,
Suffering silently to protect his family from his pain.
Watch him give his pocket money to the homeless man,
Or give his last sweet to his mum or friend.
Watch him strive to be loved and accepted by everyone
And feel the pain of rejection in his heart with each rebuff.
Watch him find comfort in a needle of death,
Watch him sink into total oblivion; a permanent solution
To the meaningless abyss that had become his life.
Come sit with me and view the future that will never be,
A future void of his laughter, his hugs and his love,
A future where he’ll never share his daughter’s life,
A future for his daughter without a proud father by her side.
Come sit with me and struggle to hold this mask in place,
A mask that smiles and says, “Hey, I’m fine,”
Even when you are dying inside and want to scream,
“No, I’m not fine at all. Can you really handle the truth?”
Come sit with me a while in this place that I call grief
And try to tell me that time is a healer.
When you sit with me in this invisible place, you will know
That grief after a child’s suicide is eternal.

Go Rest High on That Mountain (lyrics) - Vince Gill

Sia-Lullaby Lyrics

Trading Yesterday - Shattered [lyrics]

"Not Alone" Lyrics - RED - Until We Have Faces

What If - Safetysuit

On Screen Lyrics - Safety Suit - Life Left To Go - HD

My sweet baby boy, I miss you so badly it feels as if I am dying inside sometimes! Unbelievable! I saw in something that I was reading a quote that... suicide was not only death to the individual themselves, but it was like the person who had committed suicide had all their family and friends around them when they did it and it was as if they had pulled the pin on a hand grenade. I really believe that to be the first truth that I have heard in months, a very accurate comparison! Anyways this song is a what if for me. It is heart breaking!

Saturday, August 31, 2013

What Emileo Missed

He missed you my darling Mat! He missed you! You were the missing piece! Were you there my darling? I sure hope in some way you were! Sure could have used your help! Your sweet sister is taking out fingers now! :)
Funny how the 2 of you, you and Jess, were so close until the drugs seperated you. Now she has isolated herself and numbed herself from everything. Scarey! Look out over Emileo you have to its your job and your sisters! Keep our Jess safe Mat! I can' t be with her but you can! Good night my sweet angel! Love you Bubba!  And P.S. stop it with the pipes already I get it!

Friday, August 30, 2013

I Am Jealous Of The Angels

I heard that song on you tube and I realized baby boy I am jealous of the angels! Jealous they have you and I don't!
What a road we must now follow, what a lonely path! The only ones that understand this path are those who must also follow it! I never realized what it was to love so deeply and for a love to become so deeply embedded inside your soul until I gave birth to my childen. I knew of suffering but none so intense until one of those children was lost!
To have lost a child is intense, to have lost a child to suicide....undescribable! A grief at times that I can only describe as, a raw continuously open wound! Never heals, never completely closes! Always tugging at your heart, always tearing at your soul!
This grief causes you to cry, scream, become easily enraged, depressed and feeling quite alone, because who will listen and who will understand? It is a difficult road we travel as the parents whose babies have taken their own lives!
What does the future hold for us? Only God himself knows! We trust and we pray and God holds us each and everyone in his arms. He carries us as we so often are unable to carry ourselves physically and mentally!
Now that you are gone my Angel, my nightly ritual consists of....listening for your bells to ring, taking my Valerian Root because only God knows, a grieving mama never sleeps. I get down on my knees and pray. I pray for you, your daddy, your sisters and brothers, and me.I then pray for all the other people I have meant that have also lost their babies to suicide! Everyday same prayer, same ritual....routine now keeps me sane and I have to do that because as we all know I easily loose my mind since this has happened!
We will make it bubba! No one can otake our memories away! You took much when you left but you can never have my memories no one can!
And you know what I am deeply jealous that they have you! I can only imagine you are giving them a run for their money.

Mats Mama

Poem By Evelyn Brine

Everyday is A new beginning, 
Sometimes losing ,sometimes winning, 
Yet there is Really nothing to win, 
A New Day of life simply Begins! 

We are not the same As before, 
Since suicide opened it's horrific door, 
Life Goes on, Regardless Of Pain, 
Wondering If We live Each Day in Vain? 

When We suffered that first grief, 
When The Pain showed No Relief, 
When We asked the If"s and Why's, 
Exhausted , drained of All but A sigh 

Somehow We found our Way, 
To survive Still another Day, 
As we held the deep dispair, 
Pain became our greatest Care, 

Pain so enormously Great, 
Held us down With all It's weight, 
Focused wasn't A gift for Me, 
Beyond such Pain I could not See. 

My Entire life was mine to Gain, 
As time overruled the pain, 
Sense of time, I have no clue, 
I only know it can happen for You. 

Everyday is A beautiful Beginning, 
We think We're Losing, We Are Winning, 
A New Life compassionate And strong, 
A life of wisdom And where We belong! 

Evelyn Brine 

The Suicide Curse By Evelyn Brine

They stood alone in the dark,
A numbness tore at their Heart,
for their child completed suicide,
Am emptyness they could not Hide,

Could not hide? what do you mean?
Why hide the facts that need to be seen?
Were you one moment yet Ashamed,
It would be degrading to your Name?

As it was many many years ago?
Shh!, We must not Let anyone Know,
So They kept it all repressed,
Next generation Met the same Death!

Repression is terrible indeed,
Never brings help to one in Need,
Nothing to be shamed about suicide,
It Is simply the Way one was to Die.

The only shame that one should Feel,
The fact ,their illness could not be Healed!
If It was Cancer or any other Disease,
Society would never put on the freeze.

How do we educate The cluless Ones?
We start by doing what must be done,
I for one would Definitely Insist,
Died by suicide, Read The OBit.

By doing this , What would I Gain?
Maybe another would do the Same,
It could become A lengthy chain
Proving that none of us are Ashamed

Our children lived, To society they Gave
Carrying their illness, they were Brave,
They did not wait &sit idly By,
Knowing that they were going to die.

They lived A life that was Fulfilling,
Doing their job which encluded giving,
To society whatever the cost,
How soon , It Would be their Loss,

For Society has become their judge,
Society still holds A Grudge,
It Is up to us to change this Course,
To Rid our loved ones of the suicide curse.

Evelyn Brine


Grief is not the enemy.
Grief is the teacher. 
But its lessons are not learned in the head.
With the mind.
Its lessons are heart lessons.
Filtered through grace. 
and over
and over
our mind will say
“But, this is not fair.”
“I don’t deserve this.”
“Why me?”
“I will never get over this.”
“The pain will always be there.” 
Don’t get trapped
in the viscous
of your mind. 
Grief is not a head-thing.
Not if you want to heal. 
Healing grief 
is a heart thing. 
And when the heart speaks
to you
in silence
it says
I know darkness
deep, all-encompassing, endless
so I will be light
for the next person. 
I know loneliness
even in (especially in)
a room full of people
so I will be friend
for the next person. 
I know terror
so I will be comfort
for the next person. 
And I know despair.
life is too dark
so I will be hope
for the next person. 
And in time
with grace
and heart
I realize that
I am more of who I was
not less. 
I am more.
Not less. 
We think that grief is the enemy
to be avoided at all costs.
It is not.
Grief is not the enemy.
Great is the great, life-giving teacher. 
Not in spite of the fact that someone you love has died.
But because of that fact that someone you love has died. 
Grief is the teacher.
The life-giving, heart-expanding teacher.
Because you have chosen to say yes
to life
to love
to your beloved, 
and over
and over again. 
Grief is not the enemy. 
Tom Zuba 


Forgiveness ends suffering that stems from harboring rage towards oneself 
or others. It lets the air out of the balloons of holding one's breath, 
filled with anger. When you decide that a wrong has occurred -- regardless of the 
perpetrator -- you place that situation into a prison cell and hold it 
captive in your consciousness. 

The perception of 'evil' that you harbor within yourself is akin to 
swallowing a foreign virus that subsequently attacks your physical self. It is 
impossible to perceive evil and harbor it in consciousness and not have it 
negatively impact you. 

Forgiveness frees these unwanted tenants from your system, freeing you to 
heal on many dimensions. When we speak of forgiveness, though, we see 
certain efforts in this direction falling short of their mark. Forgiveness with 
judgment is ineffective. To be free is to release the judgment of wrongdoing 

Give the situation to God and the angels, and know that we will effectively 
guide the situation -- and all involved. In that way, you will not need to 
be the captor or the judge of the situation or people, whether they be 
'perpetrators' or 'victims'. 

You are given the power to heal, a power so lovely that if you cast your 
eyes before it, you would fall to your knees in awe of the Creator's great 
gift to you! Your willingness to utilize your power in the in the name of 
healing is a chief incentive for you to allow forgiveness to reign. 

You are not forgiving because of some prescript, but because you can 
forgive. You are not forgiving to gain or to lose something, but because you can 
forgive. Your power is so great that you have the ability to forgive all. . . 
for all. 

Forgive yourself, Darling Child of God, for your harsh judgments of your 
reality! You have selected instances of your life, and judged them strongly 
with malice. Yet, is this a way to heal yourself or others? 

Does such self-judgment remove your consciousness from the Light? For the 
only judgment worthy of you is this: In each situation, ask whether each 
thought, each word, and each deed creates a greater or a lesser awareness of 

Walk On...U2

Suicide Is

"Suicide is
unspeakable, and to speak it is somehow to bring it into a human, imaginable
sphere, even if only in the moment of speaking. The need to tell is both a need
to tell oneself and a need to be heard.... Telling and being heard are the
first steps toward reconnection." ~ Victoria Alexander

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Never Be Forgotten

My Dear Old Friend...Patty Griffin

No Matter What


Jenn Bostic "Jealous Of The Angels"

Address In The Stars...Caitlin And Will

I Look To You...Whitney Houston

When I See You Again...Emerson Drive

Love Remains The Same....Gavin Rossdale

Reach Out Your Hand

Live And Breathe- Stacy Earl

He's My Son: Mark Shultz

Somewhere Out There

I Will Not Say Goodbye...Danny Gokey

For My Sweet Sweet Husband...Always Standing By Me

Diamond Rio- God Only Cries

Dancing With Angels-Monk & Neagle

Cassadee Pope: "Over You"

Held- Natalie Grant

Leann Rimes...Amazing Grace

If I Could Be Where You Are....Enya

Lost without precious Son (playlist)

Tears behind My Smile By Lyndie Sorenson Pavalon

There are tears behind my smile
And a mask I wear's called denial
Life is tragically to real
From this loss I will not heal

No one has a single clue
How much it hurts losing you
Although they think I'm doing fine
Sometimes I feel I've lost my mind

Memories are all that I have left
After this terrible life theft
A heart that hurts beyond control
Deep down to my very soul

There are tears behind my smile
And a mask I's called denial
I have cried with and without tears
And have been doing so for years

I have found no place to hide
Carry all of this inside
No earthly words that do explain
The kind of life that does remain

I look for signs most every day
That you are close ...not far away
I play a game within my heart
As if you never did depart

There are tears behind my smile
And a mask I's called denial
Missing you my special child
When you were here I truly smiled

Monday, August 26, 2013

To My Angel

Have I told you lately my son, I love you so very much? I think I tell you every morning and every night. :) Have I told you that you never leave my mind! Somedays are worse than others lately. I am on a different path now baby boy! I did the front of the boy scout trailer for you, you would just love it! So sorry it has to be in a situation like this. Your Daddy is right about a lot of things lately! Especially about you! Always my pride and joy bubba, you will always be! Loving you always my baby! Always and forever!

Friday, August 23, 2013

Have To Stand Back Baby Boy, Take A Breath

There are days when I feel as if I can't even take a breath in it's so hard for me. School is starting and we should be shopping. God how I miss that! It is almost unbearable. I try baby boy. I try to just get up and just move on. But with the sad realization that you are not here to move on with. This was your big year, you were going to be a senior! Driving and looking forward to the years ahead. Now all I do is count the days you have been gone. Count the seconds, count the minutes even. I just have to stay with the now. I just keep telling myself, move along, move along. I see your pictures and still tears roll down my face. I hold them close to my heart, there will be no more pictures of my darling son. Now the days just pass us. Memories are all we have baby. So I just stand back and I just take a breath! Its all I can do!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

4 Months

So my baby boy....4 months today! 4 month's since I found you that awful morning! And we all ask, as I am sure you are Mathew... well I am sure you know, mom what have you been doing with yourself? Well, let me tell you what I have done, out of pure grief or out of stupidity some may say. Because if you were here I am sure you wouldn't have allowed any of this! Let's start with, starving myself to death, I have lost over 25 pounds, and I guess if I wasn't under weight to begin with that would have been a positive and welcomed occurrence  but it hasn't been. I do not eat, my excuse to myself, I am to upset, I am grieving, I don't have an appetite, well of course I don't, I am wallering in my own personal hell on a daily basis. Because if I stop grieving then I give up everything that I have left that connects our souls as we lie to ourselves! I ask myself everyday, how long do I have to endure this agony and pain? No answer because only I have that answer and no one else. The solution to my agony lies within me, myself and I!

4 months I have gone without you, yes that is a fact, until the day I die and we are reunited again, I will have to live without you being here with me, that is a fact! No matter how many tears I cry and I have cried oceans to date, and I will cry oceans more before the day I die, and then again when I see your face when once again we will be together forever! These tears may never, ever, ever stop again! But that's OK, that is my grief and that experience of how I grieve and how long belongs to me. Nobody can take them from me or magically turn them off. I can cry when I want, whenever I want and as long as I want, if I want to cry in the middle of Walmart dammit I am allowed, because I am a grieving mother! But I do have to remember that as I am crying somebody else is waiting for me to once again smile and for the old me to once again return. I guess the question is, if I make them wait another 35 years for me to stop being miserable, then will I have wasted another life, my own and maybe all that surround me? Then in retrospect what will we have gained by the 16 years that we were blessed with you? Misery and agony and pain? 

4 months I have prayed not to wake up just so that I could be with my son, every night I prayed that! I also in the other breath pray for God to keep you safe and to love you no matter what choice you have made....ironical how that has become my nightly prayer isn't it! Instead of being thankful, because I already know you are with God, because our God is a loving and forgiving God, I pray for him to take me, before it is my time, away from people who need me here and I live a life that is headed right towards that goal, why? Grief or a slow suicide of my own, by my own hands. Does one wrong make a right? Or do 2 wrongs make a right should I say! Starving myself to death when I already know it will solve absolutely nothing, not the answer, so why? I under no circumstances agree with people when they say, they took the easy way out, screw them, let them put a rope around their neck, tie it and jump to their death.....yeah I thought so! What you did my son took a great amount of courage! You won't catch me doing that! I don't have it in me, as I am sure many other people, that have said you took the easy way out do either! If I was going to commit suicide, I just want to go to sleep! And by looking at the last 4 months, in honor of my son, I am doing a dam good job at just going to sleep and not waking up, probably from starvation and dehydration more than anything. So what you have done that has caused so much heartache and anguish to us all, I now 4 months later am repeating again in a different manner. Question being are you looking down on me and smiling at how much I loved you, that I am willing to take my own life and ruin it in honor of you? And what honor is that? Or are you heartbroken because of something that you just simply didn't stop to think of, because just simply 16 year old's just don't see the end result, they don't think anything out at all. 16 year old's are not structured mentally yet for those reasoning skills. They make selfish and illogical mistakes just because they can. So do I stay or do I go? Apparently the answer to that is I stay, because I woke up again this morning, sometimes I guess God doesn't give us what we asked for all the time. So out of my great and unconditional love for you, do I stay and suffer for the next 30 yrs or more or do I choose to live? Apparently God has other plans. He needed you to come home because your job here was done, mine I guess is not!

4 months later and I now realize God was with you that night, waiting for you to make the choice, holding your hand and your soul, just in case you chose to come home with him. It doesn't mean he did or didn't want you, but I know that you were not alone, that has tortured my soul since the morning we found you. I even said to your daddy, what if he's stuck somewhere awful and I can never find him when I go, I never see him again, what will I do? Your daddy said, then we will go to hell and back to bring you home with us, no matter where you are, we will never, ever, leave you be anywhere else but with us! I just have to believe in our God and what it was he has promised us! Eternal life! Forgiveness and a home with him. If I do not believe in that I will loose my mind.

4 months later and speaking of which at any given time in the day, I may appear to have lost all my marbles! I cannot think, remember or process anything before the 16 years of your life flashes before my eyes! Is that what you would have wanted for me, in honor of you am I willing to loose all of who I am and what I have fought 50 years to get, sanity! This world is just crazy and I really on certain days don't blame you for your decision, people are nuts. They are all about everyone elses business but their own, let the world around them fall apart as long as they have their nose in somewhere it doesn't belong they are good! Privacy and family business, what happened to that? They post the stupidest shit on Facebook I have ever seen! One may just sit back and say, nothing I don't know about your dam life, on to the next person! You were right and became very wise to that after only a few years, it's a soap opera in print! You used to say, if you want to know who not to screw or who to, or who is loose or who isn't, check their Facebook statuses they put it all out there. You used to say, you can tell the good wives mom, they aren't on Facebook 24/7 huh? I used to say I think you may be right! You would say when they spend all their time in front of a phone, who's caring for their babies, who's reading to them, WHO IS LISTENING TO THEM? He was right in so many ways so wise! So after 50 years I guess now is not the time to go all crazy and sit and stare at a TREE!!!!! Because that is where I am headed at this rate! To a tree myself and then who would live to tell all the great stories about all the great things our son has done? Who will be left to sing your praises, the ones where you did such tremendous things in your short 16 years, the  ones where you touched and impacted the lives of so many of your friends! At this rate it sure won't be me!!! So I have rotted away 4 months of my life out of the great love and respect I had for my son's life.....yes I did!

4 months later and I have either lost or isolated everybody that made my life incredible and put them as far away from me as I could get them! Can't loose anything else or anybody else because I could not bare another thing! Best to protect my heart! I guess to people just don't know what to say to the grieving mother that's son has hung himself, I guess scared to say to little, to much or to hurt their feelings! You can only say I am here for you so many times and then what else do you talk about? In 4 months I have managed, in your honor, to isolate and abandon people that I hold near and dear to me.....pretty sure that wasn't something you dreamed for me huh?

4 months later and your father has developed pneumonia in the middle of August and become so sick that for a minute I thought I was going to have to loose him as well. Yesterday with tears in his eyes your father said, all the guys ask me at work, how are you doing this? And he said, I told them because I have to, I don't have time to grieve myself, and I started to cry! He said, I have to worry about my wife who has a broken heart and my grandson and the rest of our family and keeping it together. He said, you don't think for a moment that I miss our son so much sometimes I want to die myself, you don't think that not a day goes by that I don't remember bringing him down in my arms from that tree or the look on your face when you held him in your arms, because I do! He said and I will remember it the rest of my life, he said but I also remember the good times we had! The day that we held him in our arms and the joy that he brought to our lives for 16 years. How proud he made me when he played football and track and karate and he said, I just choose to recall that first before the bad stuff, I remember the good first! I always remember how good he was, how kind he was and how much I loved him! For that I froze! Always knew how much pain I was in but really never bothered to ask your dad if there was something I could do for him because I was so deep in my own anguish I forgot how much he loved you to!

4 months later and I have tried to drink myself to death, take to many pills, smoke so many cigarettes and prayed for cancer, attempted to jump from the second story window not once but twice. I have lost who I am and what I stand for, I have lost my soul and my heart! I have become bitter and angry and gotten lost in a deep dark hole, so deep that I don't believe myself some days I am still here, that I am still alive! I have prayed for death and for things that would cause my death! I have actually tired myself out thinking of death itself! The whole time I couldn't understand why at first it felt as if you where here with me and lately it's as if you have abandoned me. Believe me buddy if I could have run from myself, I would have been like Forest Gump and ran my ass off! I think that was even a thought of mine, start running and never stop! Run from me and who inside I have become. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that a mother that looses her child feels all these things and at one point I even made the comment about someone, it's about time she gets over that I think! How very much we do not know until we have the experience. I now have this experience and I don't wish it on my worst enemy ever.

4 months later and I now know that none of the above are anything abnormal or unusual just because of the great people there are out there going through the same thing their self and struggling just like me. Yesterday and the day before that I felt as if my boat was sinking, today I feel a little differently. I feel that if I have learned anything at all from April 20, 2013, I have learned that when you are this far down, you could give a rats ass who is left when you are gone, no matter how much you love them or you know they love you, all that matters is your pain, and how to make it stop! So I will give you that one Mathew Jacob, I get it now, my right hand to God I get it totally and I get it with all my heart and soul and you know I do! That night must have been the night from hell in your mind but more importantly prior to that you must have struggled with a darkness in your soul that was so overwhelming to you that you chose to take your own life! Been there with you my darling baby boy, I have gone to the exact place you where in my mind and in my soul, but I turned around baby boy and I come back, I chose to come back and I am sorry for that, I tried but I just couldn't do it and I think that's because you turned me around, I know you did!

Woke up this morning, after only several hours of sleep, haven't had any since you've been gone you know! Anyways in my mind I saw it's the 20th, 4 month,s switch and time to be sad, another day of hell has come. I cried after that of course like everyday the last 4 months and every night and tried to get myself ready for work. Thought of all the bad stuff over and over and over in my mind. I looked down where I found you and I said, 4 months baby boy, I love you and I miss you so very much, more today then ever. I said I wish you was here baby, if only I could have you here with me, just one more day baby! I said but I will never have you again ever will I? Dried my tears again and proceeded to get in the car and put on my music, my sanity. Me and you loved our music, we loved a lot of the same and some we disagreed on, but pretty much we would listen to whatever. Anyways I put on a station I created, I named Mat's Angels on Pandora, it was a joke remember and you gave me the answer to what I needed to do to be able to spend another day with you and maybe even an entire life with you but in a different way, the only way we can now! Not meaning that I won't ever be sad again, or never cry again, or never ever remember a bad thought about that day, but that if that's all that I remember is the bad and I stay stuck in that awful place I will never find you again, I will never feel you again and I will never remember all the good in your life, the happy thoughts! You I think have risen out of that place and I think I had to go there and I had to find you and I did but I got lost too and now instead of me bringing you back my sweet baby boy I think you have brought me back! I think you were there with me just long enough so that I could know that you didn't do this to hurt us. you did this because you were hurting and because of the drugs that you had done, curse Devin Hamilton and all your "SO CALLED FRIENDS" that dragged you down! Curse that dam K-2! Bless the ones that stayed your friends but chose not to be a part of that behavior! The ones that didn't abandon you! Devin Hamilton after reading his letter, I can say this because I am a grieving mom you know. After being locked up for almost 4 months in an adolescent center for your abuse of drugs and missing school and the rages of anger and breaking down the house, says in a letter to you while you are still locked up and about to be released, can't wait until you get home, we will have the biggest party for you and get messed up! Surely not messed up as in drunk, high, oh hell no! Why would anyone in their right mind write anything to a friend of theirs knowing the problem that has cost them 4 months of their life, they "out of friendship"are offering that to them again, out of friendship, glad I don't have one of them! All I can say is say your prayers Mr Hamilton, life may bite you in the ass some day, you little shit! Glad you and my son made it to the store before it closed to get your K-2, it helped his mind out tremendously, pseudo psychosis Mr Hamilton! Research it buddy! And to who ever it was that first said to my son, hey man try K-2 then you can get high and they won't catch you! They can't tell your doing it, well let me tell you, we can detect it and parents do not need a blood test or a urine test for that one, any idiot can tell when someones smoking K-2, because you guys plainly become idiots! Now that's an easy thing to detect! Or like Mathew you just hang yourself in a tree! Good high wouldn't you say? I would say you are high alright about as high as you can get after what Mat admitted to was a year, oh and he told the who's and the whens 2 days before he took is own life! Amazing how that can all come to that in the end! You just spill your guts because you just want to stop and you just cry out for all the help you can get, in his case it was a cry out that was just to late!

Anyways this is what I heard when I was crying and turned on my radio today: Your answer to my sadness once again, so wise Mat!
                                                              "Never Alone"

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Then your answer to my sinking boat and my being so lost in my sadness, now this one Mathew really got your mama! Yes this one got to my soul! How could these be the first 2 songs I hear today, Mathew Jacob Riley, thank you baby boy! Thank you mu sweet angel! <3, <3, <3


I don't know you but I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back

And moods that take me and erase me
And I'll paint it black
Well you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice

You've made it now
Why don't you come?
One, two, three, four
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along, along
Baby, why don't you come home?