Thursday, May 23, 2013

Grieving in Silenc

Why must I grieve so silently
When my heart is loudly screaming?
The emptiness I feel consumes me.
O God! How I wish I were dreaming!

The silence around me is deafening,
For no one knows what to say
To comfort this pain I am feeling
Since my sweet son went away.

Each day the sun continues to rise,
And the earth - it still is turning;
Though my world has come to a screeching halt,
Nobody can ease my yearning.

For a part of me has vanished,
And a part of my heart has died,
And no one can hear my heartache
Or feel my turmoil inside.

So I'll go on grieving in silence
And exist on a separate plane;
I'll keep my love for him deep in my heart
Till we see each other again.

~Author Unknown

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

How Long Will The Pain Last ?

"How long will the pain last?"
A broken-hearted mourner asked me. 
"All the rest of your Life,"
I have to answer truthfully.

We never quite forget.
No matter how many years pass, we remember.
The loss of a loved one is like a major operation.
Part of us is removed, and we have a scar
For the rest of our lives.

As years go by, we manage.
There are things to do, people to care for, 
Tasks that call for full attention. 
But the pain is still there, not far below the surface.

We see a face that looks familiar,
Hear a voice that echoes,
See a photograph in someone's album,
See a landscape that once we saw together, 
And it seems as though
A knife were in the wound again.

But not so painfully,
And mixed with joy, too,
Because remembering a happy time is not all sorrow;
It brings back some happiness with it, too.

How long will the pain last?
"All the rest of your life."
But the thing to remember
Is that not only will the pain last,
But the blessed memories as well.

Tears are proof of life;
The more love, the more tears.
If this be true, then how could we ever ask
That the pain cease altogether?
For then the memory of love would go with it.
The pain of grief is the price we pay for love.

~Author Unknown 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Few After...

A Few After.....

A few minutes after his birth.....
I could hear his announcing scream.
I couldn't believe he was finally here,
The realization of my dream.

A few hours after his birth.....
I held him so close to my chest.
Somehow that little boy let me see,
A special love that never left.

A few days after his birth.....
I held his tiny little hand.
I told him there would be lots of things
That I would help him to understand.

A few weeks after his birth.....
He had that sparkle in his eyes,
And when he showed me that little smile,
I thought that I would surely die.

A few months after his birth.....
He was just beginning to learn.
He didn't like me to go away,
And he cried until I returned.

A few years after his birth......
I still couldn't believe he was mine.
We talked and laughed and went for walks.
We had so many special times..

A few after.....

A few minutes after his death.....
I didn't know I needed to scream.
I thought that he was still safe and here...
I didn't know the truth of my dream.

A few hours after his death.....
I felt a strangeness within my chest.
Something was wrong that I couldn't see.
God! I didn't know that he had left.

A few days after his death.....
I held his cold and lifeless hand.
There were just so very many things
That I could not fully understand.

A few weeks after his death.....
That sparkle stolen from my eyes,
No longer to see his beautiful smile.
I never, ever thought that he would die.

A few months after his death.....
There was so much I needed to learn.
I was confused when he went away,
And I still waited for his return.

A few years after his death.....
I still wish that he could be mine,
To talk and laugh and go for walks.
I miss those special moments in time.

A few after.....

A few minutes after MY death......
Once again I will hear him scream,
"Hey Mom, it's me, I'm over here,
And Mom, this time it's not a dream."

A few hours after MY death.......
I'll hold him close again to my chest.
He'll look at me and say... "Now see?",
It doesn't seem so long since I left."

A few days after MY death.....
He will gently take me by the hand,
And show me all the glorious things,
And help me to understand.

A few weeks after MY death.....
I'll see that sparkle in his eyes.
Once again he'll warm me with his smile,
And say... "You see, Mom, I didn't die".

A few months after MY death.......
Together we'll have so much to learn.
We'll never have to go away,
Or long for each other's return.

A few years after MY death.....
Forever he will always be mine.
We'll talk and laugh and go for long walks,
Because we'll have nothing...... but time.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Song: Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton) (playlist)

This song always made me cry and I hadn't even lost a child it's heart wrenching now! I can really and truly relate!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Happy Birthday My Darling....We Miss You So

CALLING ALL ANGELS - (PAY IT FW's song) All Vocals by MarĂ­a BozziniC

Kisses up to heaven my darling angel! Watch over me please, stay near me. When I close my eyes I feel you with me. When I cry so hard it feels as if I may never snap out of it, something calms me as if to protect me from any further heartache, could that be you? I surely hope and pray. Forever my darling, you are forever with me, never to be forgotten. I got a cupcake and I ate it and I cried, for you my darling it was the one we missed together. Your dad said I couldn't have a birthday cake for you, well the hell with him, I will always celebrate the day I brought you into this world and I will try not to remember so much the day my heart was broken.
 Always Loving You, Mom and  Dad

My Most Beautiful And Amazing Son, I Miss You So!

I will follow you and make a heaven out of hell!  And I will die by your hand which I love so well!
William Shakespeare

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Losing A Child

Losing A Child

It’s hard to accept losing a child 
Why wasn't it me 
Life is too short as it is 
I don’t agree that it's our destiny 

Each day we continue on with our daily tasks 
Coping until there is a reminder 
Of their birthday or first date 
Why do I ponder 

Leaning on people is not my fancy 
Although tormenting myself is a sin 
I hope a day will come, in time 
I can hurdle my grief from within 

When you grieve the loss of a child 
It’s not in the natural order of things 
For a child to die before his/her parents 
The nightmare never ends, it’s not dwindling 

As the reality of the death settles in 
Intense anger at the thought 
Deep anguish that the loss is “forever” 
God help me with the peace I have sought 

The grief may intensify with time 
Although my friends say it never ends 
Lost to the grim specter of death 
They lost a part of themselves, they lost a friend

Monday, May 6, 2013

Evanescence - My Heart Is Broken

My heart is broken, wrote it on the chalkboard in the kitchen and I wrote it on my heart! I can't just make this one go away, it's like a haunting, agonizing feeling. I am becoming lost in it! I have to find a way out somehow. Without you I cannot picture this life. I cannot picture another day, another second! I miss you so much my darling.


Torture: I fall under every meaning there is to this word and that is all I will say! My mind=Torture!

         1.a. Infliction of severe physical pain as a means of punishment or coercion.
            b. An instrument or a method for inflicting such pain.
2. Excruciating physical or mental pain; agony: the torture of waiting in suspense.
3. Something causing severe pain or anguish.
tr.v. tor·turedtor·tur·ingtor·tures
1. To subject (a person or an animal) to torture.
2. To bring great physical or mental pain upon (another). See Synonyms at afflict.
3. To twist or turn abnormally; distort: torture a rule to make it fit a case.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Christina Perri - The Lonely [Official Lyric Video]

Just The Mention Of Your Name

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it also brings music to my ears" (Anonymous).

I push and I push just to keep myself above water and no matter what I do it still feels as if I am drowning! It feels as if I am living my own personal hell and I am trapped without reprieve. There are days where if I am just able to get up out of bed it becomes a personal defeat, I was actually able to get up again. Good or bad, really not sure. All my thoughts are focused on you what I do not have and what I never will have again! I can't seem to focus on our love and the good times because the sadness is so overwhelming!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

My Dear Friend This Means So Much!

Westlife - I'll See You Again [Where We Are Tour DVD] HQ

Missing You So Much I Am Lost Even For Words

I cannot recall the last night I slept. Was there one? I cannot remember anymore so really I don't think I would know. I see everything differently, unfortunately it's not as I should. I have become angry. Angry at life, angry at God, angry at times with you. I made a memorial site for you and I have found a mother that described exactly what I feel. I hope if she reads this as one grieving mother to another I am only displaying this because I couldn't have described how I actually feel as well any better! Thank you Harley Walls mamma!:

I hoped it was a mistake.
I hoped he would come back.
I hoped for acceptance.
I hoped for peace.
I hoped this feeling would go away.
I hoped for reprieve.

When my so died, I hoped it was a was not
I hoped it was a was not.

Before my son died, I hoped for enough time in the day to clean my home, provide my family with clean laundry, taxi service and healthy meals. I loved dinner time with my family. After my son died I didn't know what day it was. Cleaning our home or doing laundry were things I no longer thought of.

I did not cook; I did not shop for food; I did not eat.

I hoped he would come back...he did not. I hoped I would gain understanding...I did not. I couldn't understand how I could wake up on a perfectly normal morning, and my Son was gone from his room, gone from our home and gone from our lives.

I hoped for acceptance...I found none. I hoped those around me would understand me...they did not. How could they understand me? My Son was dead. They could not have any way to understand unless they had also lost a child. How could my beautiful,vibrant,healthy Son be gone?

I hoped for peace...I had none. I hoped for sleep...I had none.

I hoped for courage to resume my daily life was out of control. The only thing I was sure of in the early days of my grief was that our lives would never be the same again. I had hoped this empty feeling would go did not.

I had hoped that some day my family would be normal again...we were not. I hoped I could stop looking for our son in every young man I saw that was tall, a little chunky and had brown hair...I could not.

I hoped that I could become the parent to my surviving children that I knew they deserved...I could not. I knew how much they were hurting, but I could not help myself and I could not help my children. My younger Son need my comfort,my only Daughter needed my comfort. I was their Mother but their was no comfort in me to give.

I hoped I could be a wife to my husband...I could not.

I never hope for laughter. How could I laugh when my Son was dead?

I hoped the feelings that consumed me every waking moment would somehow change so I would not feel as though I could never again be in a public place without crying.

We all have a future; we have memories. No matter how long our children were part of our lives, we have memories.

When my Son was a baby,a toddler,a young child,a teenager and young man, I watched over him. I thought I could watch over him for my entire life. But I was wrong. I hope with all my Heart that now he is watching over me.

I know my joy will never change every time I think of my Son, share a memory with someone or look at pictures of him. My hope as a Mother is that we all will find peace and cherish the joy our children have brought to our lives.

                         Written by a grieving Mother

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A Picture Of You

A Picture Of You

I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
When you were here, and mine.

I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
Upon your lovely face. 

How much I miss you being here,
I really can not say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.

I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I'm being honest,
I hope it will remain.

I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much,
Why did you go away?

The angels came and took you,
That really wasn't fair,
They took my one and only Son,
My future life. My heir.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of this,
Watch me, your Mum grow old!

I hope your watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you.

Enya - Angeles

Suicide Prevention