Saturday, September 27, 2014

We Have To Choose Joy

We do. we absolutely do! Or we cannot exist as human beings! We have to reach into the depths of our broken souls and we must find that one small ever so minuet shred of joy and we must cause it to sing louder than the loudest of all the music on this earth! It is all we have left when our hearts are torn and it seems almost impossible at times to repair that which is so very broken! We have few choices left now. We lost the one choice that could have turned this bus around, our babies here with us and in our arms, where they belong! We have been stripped of all that made us feel as if we were whole, the right to be a mother to a living breathing soul! How do you mother a dead child, please someone tell me? I still in my soul continue to feel as if I am responsible to mother and nurture even when my son is long gone from this earth. The bond and the love will continue on until we meet again, but in my heart I cannot allow that to be broken between us! Death itself cannot take away the memories, the sound of his voice, the laughter, his presence here with me. I will continue to be responsible for carrying on his legacy to others. He cannot die unless he has lived, and lived he has. Therefore he lives within my soul. I am as much a part of him as he was a part of me. We are one, there is no separation, unless I myself allow that separation to occur! I will sing out his name and his praises. Mathew was not just about what he was the night of April 20,2013. Mathew was about 16 years of life. Mathew was about love and kindness and sweetness! Suicide does not define who an individual is!  It defines an accumulation of life events ending in a very great sadness! My sadness must end with a great joy, reuniting with my son Mathew. And many years from now when that occurs, God willing, I must bring great joy with me to my son. Everyday I feel his presence here with me. As I speak to him and cry to him and write to him. I know he knows my devotion just as I know he knew it when he was alive. He always hated it the most when I would cry or I was sad! I feel as if I dishonor him when I cry now. As if once again I am repeating the cycle of great sadness, the same that took his life. The continuous agonizing that he himself did feel on that very night! So I guess hes trying to tell me something here, that at some point in our grief and in my mourning of his loss, I have to remember to celebrate his life, his goodness, I have to choose joy! When I get lost in his end I guess, I cannot make a beginning, sounds like a riddle really. You have to be able to see beyond the clouds. The sun is shining somewhere and I think he is trying to lead me to it!

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