And then there are those days where if I had you here I would shake you so badly and say to you, what the hell were you thinking? What the hell my son?
There are days when I feel like a rat in a cage chasing the ever lasting piece of my broken heart.
And then there are days when I feel as if I shall never again see your face, touch your skin, hear your voice or have you near, those are the weakest days when my faith is all but gone and it seems as if life cannot possibly ever go on, not go on without you!!!
There are those days when I am paralyzed by absolute and total fear. Fear for me, fear for you, fear for what lies ahead and for what has gone behind us. There are those days when I find myself swallowed by darkness, drowning in heartbreak as well as tears.
There are days when I cry a few tears and days when I cry buckets of tears, followed by more buckets of tears. I am among many I fear. And I go on and on and on, and there are days where, I just don't know how!
There are days where I am so uncertain of who the hell I am, who the hell I was and who I will become. I cannot find a me that is just OK without you. There are days where that has brought me to insanity. There are many days that it has brought me to my knees.
There are days where there is that ever loving God forsaken façade that I exhibit, and there are many days, where everybody can see right through that façade, just like looking through glass. Its the, oh hi how are you? Oh I am fine, yeah right.... look that I have. Believe me since that day I have never been quite fine at all. And to tell you the truth there's not enough therapy on earth or in the heavens above to shake that day out of my head.
Complicated grief, no people its not just complicated, its extreme! So extreme that the heart and mind cannot possibly come to terms with it! So extreme that it tears you apart from the inside out, starting with your heart! There are days when I want to explode, not just literally, physically explode. Days where my head hurts so bad from the thoughts and the inability to stop them that it feels as if I may drop!
There are days when I am so physically drained that I just want to go to bed and stay there, but I push on. That is the moral here of this story I guess.....we must push on.
Because there are those days when I close my eyes and I remember his smile, his laugh, his cry, his voice, his kind of funny, his breath against my face when he kissed me goodbye. Because there are those days when I would have loved to have had a hundred thousand years with our son but I consider myself immensely blessed to have had "almost 17!" And there are those days when I remember to celebrate the small things I have remaining, the memories. And the big things, the really precious gifts that this sweet, sweet soul has blessed us with.
There are those days where I just have to leave it in the hands of God, and just have faith because that is really all that I have.