Monday, September 30, 2013

Thinking About You Sweet Boy

I think in my heart I am still waiting for you to walk through that door. And I wait and I will never come back! Never! Everyday I have to smack myself, I say to myself just wake up from this God awful nightmare! 5 months it hasn' t changed, the aching in my heart, it hasn' t stopped and it never will!
How do you make a mothers heart heal, you can't, it never will! I could light a trillion candles for you, it won' t stop the crying and it won't stop this pain.
Never the same, never like when you were here! What the hell were you thinking? That I wouldn't absolutely die without you here? That my heart wouldn't leave the day I lost my son! If you thought I would be fine then you were really, really just not thinking. If you thought I wouldn't loose my mind....something made you so disconnected from my heart, you couldn't come back!
Everyday you occupy my thoughts. No more what ifs. So what the hell if? Who gives a shit anymore, what if's mean nothing! Don't mean a dam thing now huh? If I don't type to cyber heaven I will be right there with you.
Problem with that is in my thoughts, I wonder where that with you is. If we go to heaven when we take our own life, I guess we have it made huh? If not I guess we would be screwed! I've already been that...April 20, 2013. I invested 17 years of love into a son that took 30 minutes to decide that it was OK to leave me!
Dear God in heaven, what if you hadn't? What if????

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