You say it's time for me to "move on" in my grief. Perhaps you're
right or perhaps you just don't realize what you're asking. So, why
don't you try this little exercise and maybe it will help you get a
better perspective on what I am going through.
To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at
least 24 hours; the longer the better. Don't blow this off as a
stupid idea. It works along the same lines as blindfolding yourself
to experience being without sight.
First of all, think about your child. Now imagine that child is gone.
Whatever age or stage of development, whether he or she lives with
you or not,
just imagine you won't ever see that child on earth again. Call all
your family and friends and tell them your child died.
Next, go to a funeral home and discuss caskets, markers, burial
plots, etc. Pick out a favorite outfit for your child to be buried
in. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper. Get in the
floor or closet and cry until there are no more tears. Then repeat
until you think you're losing your mind.
If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step.
During all of this remember, the world hasn't stopped. If you have a
job, you will have to return to it. The power company and everyone
else still wants their payment each month. You may have doctor's
bills, ambulance bills, and attorney fees if an accident was
involved. If your child died at the hands of another, there will be a
trial and publicity.
If you were blessed to have other children, you will have to deal
with their grief as well as your own. They will still have homework,
tests, reports, projects and the class bully.
Next comes the "firsts"
etc.When everyone is singing tra-la-la and jingle bells, you won't
be. Your heart will be too heavy. The hurt will be so intense you
will marvel if you can get out of bed each morning. Every morning
when you take your other children to school you'll be reminded that
you AREN'T taking one too. You'll see their friends going on with
their lives and it will cut you to the quick. When they all graduate
from kindergarten, middle school, etc., your child won't.
When you start getting wedding invitations in the mail for these
other children, you'll be reminded again of your loss.
Don't forget that when you go shopping you'll see things that you
wanted to buy for your deceased child. You'll see places the two of
you USED to go.
At home when you prepare a favorite meal of the child who is gone, it
won't taste the same to you. The pictures, cards they made for you or
sent you, toys and other possessions of your baby will be both
harmful and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember
more about what you've lost and at the same time they are a link to
the past and a way to remember more about what you've lost.
Funny, huh? That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well,
it will take on a whole new meaning now.
Didn't mean to ask too much of you. Believe it or not I could write
dozens of other things for you to imagine. Fortunately for you, it's
only an exercise. I live it every day.
IF you have the guts to stick it out - this little experiment -
Congratulations. I don't think you will be so quick to utter those
words now. Not if you really did imagine.