Tuesday, August 20, 2013

4 Months

So my baby boy....4 months today! 4 month's since I found you that awful morning! And we all ask, as I am sure you are Mathew... well I am sure you know, mom what have you been doing with yourself? Well, let me tell you what I have done, out of pure grief or out of stupidity some may say. Because if you were here I am sure you wouldn't have allowed any of this! Let's start with, starving myself to death, I have lost over 25 pounds, and I guess if I wasn't under weight to begin with that would have been a positive and welcomed occurrence  but it hasn't been. I do not eat, my excuse to myself, I am to upset, I am grieving, I don't have an appetite, well of course I don't, I am wallering in my own personal hell on a daily basis. Because if I stop grieving then I give up everything that I have left that connects our souls as one.....how we lie to ourselves! I ask myself everyday, how long do I have to endure this agony and pain? No answer because only I have that answer and no one else. The solution to my agony lies within me, myself and I!

4 months I have gone without you, yes that is a fact, until the day I die and we are reunited again, I will have to live without you being here with me, that is a fact! No matter how many tears I cry and I have cried oceans to date, and I will cry oceans more before the day I die, and then again when I see your face when once again we will be together forever! These tears may never, ever, ever stop again! But that's OK, that is my grief and that experience of how I grieve and how long belongs to me. Nobody can take them from me or magically turn them off. I can cry when I want, whenever I want and as long as I want, if I want to cry in the middle of Walmart dammit I am allowed, because I am a grieving mother! But I do have to remember that as I am crying somebody else is waiting for me to once again smile and for the old me to once again return. I guess the question is, if I make them wait another 35 years for me to stop being miserable, then will I have wasted another life, my own and maybe all that surround me? Then in retrospect what will we have gained by the 16 years that we were blessed with you? Misery and agony and pain? 

4 months I have prayed not to wake up just so that I could be with my son, every night I prayed that! I also in the other breath pray for God to keep you safe and to love you no matter what choice you have made....ironical how that has become my nightly prayer isn't it! Instead of being thankful, because I already know you are with God, because our God is a loving and forgiving God, I pray for him to take me, before it is my time, away from people who need me here and I live a life that is headed right towards that goal, why? Grief or a slow suicide of my own, by my own hands. Does one wrong make a right? Or do 2 wrongs make a right should I say! Starving myself to death when I already know it will solve absolutely nothing, not the answer, so why? I under no circumstances agree with people when they say, they took the easy way out, screw them, let them put a rope around their neck, tie it and jump to their death.....yeah I thought so! What you did my son took a great amount of courage! You won't catch me doing that! I don't have it in me, as I am sure many other people, that have said you took the easy way out do either! If I was going to commit suicide, I just want to go to sleep! And by looking at the last 4 months, in honor of my son, I am doing a dam good job at just going to sleep and not waking up, probably from starvation and dehydration more than anything. So what you have done that has caused so much heartache and anguish to us all, I now 4 months later am repeating again in a different manner. Question being are you looking down on me and smiling at how much I loved you, that I am willing to take my own life and ruin it in honor of you? And what honor is that? Or are you heartbroken because of something that you just simply didn't stop to think of, because just simply 16 year old's just don't see the end result, they don't think anything out at all. 16 year old's are not structured mentally yet for those reasoning skills. They make selfish and illogical mistakes just because they can. So do I stay or do I go? Apparently the answer to that is I stay, because I woke up again this morning, sometimes I guess God doesn't give us what we asked for all the time. So out of my great and unconditional love for you, do I stay and suffer for the next 30 yrs or more or do I choose to live? Apparently God has other plans. He needed you to come home because your job here was done, mine I guess is not!

4 months later and I now realize God was with you that night, waiting for you to make the choice, holding your hand and your soul, just in case you chose to come home with him. It doesn't mean he did or didn't want you, but I know that you were not alone, that has tortured my soul since the morning we found you. I even said to your daddy, what if he's stuck somewhere awful and I can never find him when I go, I never see him again, what will I do? Your daddy said, then we will go to hell and back to bring you home with us, no matter where you are, we will never, ever, leave you be anywhere else but with us! I just have to believe in our God and what it was he has promised us! Eternal life! Forgiveness and a home with him. If I do not believe in that I will loose my mind.

4 months later and speaking of which at any given time in the day, I may appear to have lost all my marbles! I cannot think, remember or process anything before the 16 years of your life flashes before my eyes! Is that what you would have wanted for me, in honor of you am I willing to loose all of who I am and what I have fought 50 years to get, sanity! This world is just crazy and I really on certain days don't blame you for your decision, people are nuts. They are all about everyone elses business but their own, let the world around them fall apart as long as they have their nose in somewhere it doesn't belong they are good! Privacy and family business, what happened to that? They post the stupidest shit on Facebook I have ever seen! One may just sit back and say, nothing I don't know about your dam life, on to the next person! You were right and became very wise to that after only a few years, it's a soap opera in print! You used to say, if you want to know who not to screw or who to, or who is loose or who isn't, check their Facebook statuses they put it all out there. You used to say, you can tell the good wives mom, they aren't on Facebook 24/7 huh? I used to say I think you may be right! You would say when they spend all their time in front of a phone, who's caring for their babies, who's reading to them, WHO IS LISTENING TO THEM? He was right in so many ways so wise! So after 50 years I guess now is not the time to go all crazy and sit and stare at a TREE!!!!! Because that is where I am headed at this rate! To a tree myself and then who would live to tell all the great stories about all the great things our son has done? Who will be left to sing your praises, the ones where you did such tremendous things in your short 16 years, the  ones where you touched and impacted the lives of so many of your friends! At this rate it sure won't be me!!! So I have rotted away 4 months of my life out of the great love and respect I had for my son's life.....yes I did!

4 months later and I have either lost or isolated everybody that made my life incredible and put them as far away from me as I could get them! Can't loose anything else or anybody else because I could not bare another thing! Best to protect my heart! I guess to people just don't know what to say to the grieving mother that's son has hung himself, I guess scared to say to little, to much or to hurt their feelings! You can only say I am here for you so many times and then what else do you talk about? In 4 months I have managed, in your honor, to isolate and abandon people that I hold near and dear to me.....pretty sure that wasn't something you dreamed for me huh?

4 months later and your father has developed pneumonia in the middle of August and become so sick that for a minute I thought I was going to have to loose him as well. Yesterday with tears in his eyes your father said, all the guys ask me at work, how are you doing this? And he said, I told them because I have to, I don't have time to grieve myself, and I started to cry! He said, I have to worry about my wife who has a broken heart and my grandson and the rest of our family and keeping it together. He said, you don't think for a moment that I miss our son so much sometimes I want to die myself, you don't think that not a day goes by that I don't remember bringing him down in my arms from that tree or the look on your face when you held him in your arms, because I do! He said and I will remember it the rest of my life, he said but I also remember the good times we had! The day that we held him in our arms and the joy that he brought to our lives for 16 years. How proud he made me when he played football and track and karate and he said, I just choose to recall that first before the bad stuff, I remember the good first! I always remember how good he was, how kind he was and how much I loved him! For that I froze! Always knew how much pain I was in but really never bothered to ask your dad if there was something I could do for him because I was so deep in my own anguish I forgot how much he loved you to!

4 months later and I have tried to drink myself to death, take to many pills, smoke so many cigarettes and prayed for cancer, attempted to jump from the second story window not once but twice. I have lost who I am and what I stand for, I have lost my soul and my heart! I have become bitter and angry and gotten lost in a deep dark hole, so deep that I don't believe myself some days I am still here, that I am still alive! I have prayed for death and for things that would cause my death! I have actually tired myself out thinking of death itself! The whole time I couldn't understand why at first it felt as if you where here with me and lately it's as if you have abandoned me. Believe me buddy if I could have run from myself, I would have been like Forest Gump and ran my ass off! I think that was even a thought of mine, start running and never stop! Run from me and who inside I have become. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that a mother that looses her child feels all these things and at one point I even made the comment about someone, it's about time she gets over that I think! How very much we do not know until we have the experience. I now have this experience and I don't wish it on my worst enemy ever.

4 months later and I now know that none of the above are anything abnormal or unusual just because of the great people there are out there going through the same thing their self and struggling just like me. Yesterday and the day before that I felt as if my boat was sinking, today I feel a little differently. I feel that if I have learned anything at all from April 20, 2013, I have learned that when you are this far down, you could give a rats ass who is left when you are gone, no matter how much you love them or you know they love you, all that matters is your pain, and how to make it stop! So I will give you that one Mathew Jacob, I get it now, my right hand to God I get it totally and I get it with all my heart and soul and you know I do! That night must have been the night from hell in your mind but more importantly prior to that you must have struggled with a darkness in your soul that was so overwhelming to you that you chose to take your own life! Been there with you my darling baby boy, I have gone to the exact place you where in my mind and in my soul, but I turned around baby boy and I come back, I chose to come back and I am sorry for that, I tried but I just couldn't do it and I think that's because you turned me around, I know you did!

Woke up this morning, after only several hours of sleep, haven't had any since you've been gone you know! Anyways in my mind I saw it's the 20th, 4 month,s switch and time to be sad, another day of hell has come. I cried after that of course like everyday the last 4 months and every night and tried to get myself ready for work. Thought of all the bad stuff over and over and over in my mind. I looked down where I found you and I said, 4 months baby boy, I love you and I miss you so very much, more today then ever. I said I wish you was here baby, if only I could have you here with me, just one more day baby! I said but I will never have you again ever will I? Dried my tears again and proceeded to get in the car and put on my music, my sanity. Me and you loved our music, we loved a lot of the same and some we disagreed on, but pretty much we would listen to whatever. Anyways I put on a station I created, I named Mat's Angels on Pandora, it was a joke remember and you gave me the answer to what I needed to do to be able to spend another day with you and maybe even an entire life with you but in a different way, the only way we can now! Not meaning that I won't ever be sad again, or never cry again, or never ever remember a bad thought about that day, but that if that's all that I remember is the bad and I stay stuck in that awful place I will never find you again, I will never feel you again and I will never remember all the good in your life, the happy thoughts! You I think have risen out of that place and I think I had to go there and I had to find you and I did but I got lost too and now instead of me bringing you back my sweet baby boy I think you have brought me back! I think you were there with me just long enough so that I could know that you didn't do this to hurt us. you did this because you were hurting and because of the drugs that you had done, curse Devin Hamilton and all your "SO CALLED FRIENDS" that dragged you down! Curse that dam K-2! Bless the ones that stayed your friends but chose not to be a part of that behavior! The ones that didn't abandon you! Devin Hamilton after reading his letter, I can say this because I am a grieving mom you know. After being locked up for almost 4 months in an adolescent center for your abuse of drugs and missing school and the rages of anger and breaking down the house, says in a letter to you while you are still locked up and about to be released, can't wait until you get home, we will have the biggest party for you and get messed up! Surely not messed up as in drunk, high, oh hell no! Why would anyone in their right mind write anything to a friend of theirs knowing the problem that has cost them 4 months of their life, they "out of friendship"are offering that to them again, out of friendship, glad I don't have one of them! All I can say is say your prayers Mr Hamilton, life may bite you in the ass some day, you little shit! Glad you and my son made it to the store before it closed to get your K-2, it helped his mind out tremendously, pseudo psychosis Mr Hamilton! Research it buddy! And to who ever it was that first said to my son, hey man try K-2 then you can get high and they won't catch you! They can't tell your doing it, well let me tell you, we can detect it and parents do not need a blood test or a urine test for that one, any idiot can tell when someones smoking K-2, because you guys plainly become idiots! Now that's an easy thing to detect! Or like Mathew you just hang yourself in a tree! Good high wouldn't you say? I would say you are high alright about as high as you can get after what Mat admitted to was a year, oh and he told the who's and the whens 2 days before he took is own life! Amazing how that can all come to that in the end! You just spill your guts because you just want to stop and you just cry out for all the help you can get, in his case it was a cry out that was just to late!

Anyways this is what I heard when I was crying and turned on my radio today: Your answer to my sadness once again, so wise Mat!
                                                              "Never Alone"

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen


We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Then your answer to my sinking boat and my being so lost in my sadness, now this one Mathew really got your mama! Yes this one got to my soul! How could these be the first 2 songs I hear today, Mathew Jacob Riley, thank you baby boy! Thank you mu sweet angel! <3, <3, <3


I don't know you but I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back

And moods that take me and erase me
And I'll paint it black
Well you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice

You've made it now
Why don't you come?
One, two, three, four
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along, along
Baby, why don't you come home?

No comments:

Post a Comment