I search the internet for anything that will tell me that you didn't suffer that night, being a nurse makes it worse! I search the autopsy sites, how morbid I feel, all in the name of knowing that hopefully you went immediately. To know you suffered would only add to my grief! I look at sad songs, sad videos, sad articles, hoping to find some help with the thoughts I am having and these feelings. I feel as if I want to die! I want to go with you him so that he will not be alone. Then I am brought back to reality by my husband over and over again! He knows I am dying inside because he is as well! All our dreams for our son are gone. All the promise for the great things he would have done gone!
Thank God for my best friend in all the world (my sister), my loving husband, and my daughters and the many friends that draw near to me I really think I would be gone as well! At this point in life I cannot see the part where it gets better, it is only getting worse. No matter what people say the fact of the matter is none of it brings back my sweet baby boy! Nothing makes this pain stop. My sweet, sweet best friend never leaves my side only to sleep. She comforts me and stays with me. Forever I am grateful that I have her. My darling daughter who i have so longed for, has made amends with me after an awful argument we had a year or so before, Mathew's death has brought us together again. We hold onto one another! She was the closest sibling with our son, the one that in the end will be the most devastated by this loss. She is pregnant with her first baby and our son was so looking forward to this birth! Why would he do this now? I ask God over and over, I pray and I cry!
The funeral home, I medicate myself so that I won't remember a thing, I don't want to remember this and I will not accept that its real! Valium for days now, I cannot catch my breath without it! I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot think! I cannot stop the ugly horrible thoughts that are keep going through my mind about that morning. They will not stop!
We sit down with the funeral director, in my mind I want to run and hide but I can't! We make decisions for him, how can this be happening, we are picking out something to put on his cards that will be handed out at the funeral, oh God help me through this! We choose what he will wear and how he will look, remembering the bruise that extends from one ear to the other completely circling his entire head. My sweet baby what do I do here? We choose a box for you to rest in, the most beautiful we can find so that our son can come with us, whoever goes first, one that can be cremated with us as well. We have chosen cremation because we talked about this with our son and he had a great fear of being stuck forever in a coffin. So this is what we decide. Your wake will be Thursday and then you will be forever entered into your final resting place....in a box next to me until the day I die! We leave after choosing everything and I cannot breathe again, as always the last several days! It feels as if not only has my heart and soul been taken but I am no longer who I was and I never will be again! NEVER AGAIN! What a great sadness and such a tremendous loss my darling Mathew, you will never know the extent of how your choice has completely and totally devastated our lives...you shall never know because only we will live forever with this agony only we can experience this hell! Only us!