Wednesday, April 24, 2013

For You

   I am not preparing for your birthday as we had planned, no, I am not preparing for your driving test as we were doing only hours before, no, I am preparing to send my son to rest forever! I am  preparing for my sons last and final goodbye! I am preparing to lay my son to rest, no matter how you say it, I don't know if I can do it! But once again I have to. I remember when you were here you always made me do things that I was to tired to do, didn't care to do or just really had no desire to do, and here you are doing it again! God how I remember every moment with you, every single moment and how I would give the world just to have 1 minute to tell you that you have to stay! Just 1 minute I would take! I smell you, I see you, I hear you, I swear to God I see you coming across the yard, around the corner, I feel you kiss me and I feel your arms around me, I hear your voice say mom," I'm home" and mom, "I love you" and mom, "I am coming home!" Just say it dammit, just say it one more time!!!! Just one more, please God just let me hear it one more time! Please God just one more! Nothing, nothing! I continuously plead to God, take me and bring him back please God just take me! I have lived my life and he has not and then I realize it was your choice as awful a one as it was. There was something so terrible that God himself could not keep you here that night, some pain so great that you had to go. I can make no sense of this!
  Your goodbye letter I struggle with for what seems like hours and hours, and with Gods help I find it in my heart to write this beautiful letter to you. Your sister writes one as well. This is not officially the letter I will read only a letter to you and more of a prayer for strength to get me through this, my hopes that God will bring all of  us through this:

  Heavenly Father.... Please help me Lord, I really don’t know what to do. Only your words can comfort me. Only your embrace can soothe my pain. I have given everything I could my Lord, and there is nothing more I can give. I kneel before you now, crushed and broken, empty and afraid to be alone. Hide me under your wings, hold me in your loving arms. Say unto me again how much you love me. Say unto me that you have called me yours and you will never ever let me go. Though men may fail, you remain faithful, steadfast and immovable as a rock. Though men may judge me for all the faults they see in me, you see my heart and reveal to me the beautiful soul you see in me. Help me to let go of my pain, teach me to forgive those who do not even ask my forgiveness. This burden is something I shouldn't carry in my heart. This trouble is not something I should trade away my peace for. I know that I have been done wrong, the things that have happened had been so unfair. Sometimes life’s like that. Many things in this life really seem so unfair. But let me not continue being unfair to myself. Let me not punish myself anymore for the things others have done.

I offer unto you my wounded heart, my broken heart. I know it is you my Lord who will uphold me in the end. Let me not lose hope. Let me not cast away everything that’s good and beautiful in this life. I know that there is so much more in store for me. I know how much love I can still give away because it is you who fills me with everything that I’ll ever need. You are the one who loves me truly, eternally, unconditionally. You are the one who has always been there for me and always will be there for me. You are my one true love. You are my forever. You are my strength and my peace and my joy. Surely in your presence Lord, I do not need anything more. Amen

Mathew Jacob Riley, my heart of heart, giver of my greatest joy, my darling and sweet angel, my baby soul has forever been changed! My heart is forever and always now incomplete and broken! A mothers love is forever unchanging, unwavering and nonjudgmental. From the first breath that you took to the last that you did breath, our lives will never be the same. Seconds go by and I continue to beg to God and cry out for your return. An angel holds us both under each of her wings, you on one side and me on the other. I think she knows my need to hold onto you just a little longer. I feel your breath on my face, your hand in mine, your voice I hear, your laughter rings through my brain, the plans for you future that will never be. Like a broken record I cannot stop the playing! I cannot stop this pain! If I could have traded places with you I would have but I can't, and for that I feel it unbearable to live with me! As a mother I promised God I would protect you! Please know my son that you were everything that made me proud, everything that made me laugh, made me smile, made me live. You were my life as all our children are. Each child holds a piece of your heart, without that piece your heart is forever different, forever changed! I simply cannot imagine my days without you, my life without you. All I have now is the memories, so I cry out to God hoping he will save me! I cry out to God for you! Peace always be with you my son. As your mother if I never find that ,I hope in my heart God has given it to you!

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