Friday, April 26, 2013

Everybody That Loves You Comes To Say Goodbye To You


  How do we smile when our hearts our broken? How do we go on without you? We have to prepare for your viewing this evening, dear God in heaven above give us strength! I cannot believe I will make it through. I will pray for strength again and again and hope that God carries us through this evening. I have done all I can, all the hurt and pain and the storms we have endured for days now. Emotions are running high. I feel as if your father and I may not be able to let you go. I cannot fathom in my mind standing beside my son's casket as people line up to view my son's body and tell him farewell. How do I send you off from this world when all I want is for you to stay with me forever. It is not supposed to happen like this, it's not! Mothers and fathers should not have to bury their children ever. Under the circumstances this should not happen, nobody should feel this badly inside that this is their only avenue. I cannot imagine that this is what you found when you thought it through! Why didn't you come to us baby boy? Why didn't you?
  As your viewing draws near, everyone gathers to say goodbye to you. Friend after friend we comfort, tear after tear falls. It is so disturbing when someone barely 16 leaves this world and their life has not yet been completed. There is no understanding to be had, how can their be? Only theories and thoughts of what could have happened, unbearable and unbelievable! 4-8PM and it could have gone on forever, we just can't leave you alone and we refuse to say goodbye. I just want to scoop you up in my arms and shake the breath back into your body! Inside I want to scream but I have to hold it together, for my Mathew. When he couldn't hold it together, I feel as if I have to, I cannot give up. But I so want to! I just want to scream and run and never stop ever.
  You looked so terrible, no life left in you, you are pale and cold, the spirit is gone, you are gone. All that made you who you were has passed from this physical world into another realm, one that we can only pray is better to you then this one was. In your mind it must have been unbearable, I cannot see that and neither can the ones that loved you, so many individuals adored you. I hope it's true and I hope you are looking down, how many hearts you have broken and how many lives you have changed by one very selfish moment.What about us I want to scream and I have at that, what the hell do we do now? 
  Your fathers heart is destroyed, you were his only son, his only blood. He just cries, how that breaks my heart! I cannot worry though because it is all I can do to hold it together. It's as if I am just going through the motions and that is all I can do. Your sister is devastated, 6 months pregnant, you promised her so many things. Those promises and dreams are all passed now, everything, the future is no more. I feel as if I am in a deep and dark place and I cannot find my way out, will I ever? The pain is so great in this place that is is terrifying and I am overwhelmed. I pray and I pray, not for me or for our family but continuously for your soul. I have always known you do not take your own life, you do not have that right, only God himself can make that call. So I just pray, and I cry, it's all I know to do right now.
  Everyone says how sorry they are and how terrible they feel, I am numb, absolutely numb.Everybody says I am strong....huh! I am not strong people I am in shock! Remember I am the one that is still waiting for their baby to wake up! Strong or loosing their sanity and in another space. I kiss you and you are frozen, your skin like ice. I am dying too, and I always will be, I cannot go on without you. You brought the greatest joy to my life and I cannot let that go, I cannot forget it and I never will.
  I watch the peoples faces, not the faces of an unloved boy. The sadness. What can we do to stop this from happening again, what do we do? I think we all know the answer to that really, at least I do. So many people, so much sadness, so many tears, all for a boy who felt so alone, and so desperate to feel loved. God give us strength!


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