Saturday, April 20, 2013

Finding Mathew...The Day I Believe I May Have Died As Well!

Recalling this day is something I think no person alive should ever have to do, but for my own sanity,  I have to. 
It was so cold this morning, so very, very cold, foggy and just ugly!  So unusual for April. Nothing about this morning was right from the confusion I felt inside, to the feeling of uneasiness. It was just a mothers instinct that all was not right,  a feeling in your soul I cannot explain.  As his father rushed by me, to the telling me that he had found our son, to the sight of our son hanging from a tree it seemed to have lasted for years but it was only seconds. I remember running, I remember the scream that came from a place I cannot go to again, so deep from inside of me, a scream so blood wrenching,  I don't think I could ever produce that sound again and I hope I never will!  To see your baby boy hanging from a rope, dear God in heaven I thought, please let him be alive, please God, please, I beg of you, DO NOT LET HIM BE GONE FROM ME!  As I ran I cried and I screamed.  The look on my husbands face, the pain in his eyes, the mass confusion, and that feeling!  God awful gut wrenching feeling, that we are just to late.  But I have to try, I scream at my husband, and I scream at God! I have 911 on the phone and I am screaming, my son, he's hanging from our tree, please God get someone here quick, please, then I throw the phone out of frustration!  I yell at my husband please get him down,get him down, I can do this, I can bring him back, I'm a nurse, get him down!  My husband lifts him like a baby in his arms, his knees are on the ground and the rope is around his neck, we struggle to get it off but are unable. The rope is wrapped around a branch and the end has become lodged between the 2 main branches of the tree, his dad frees the rope and lays him on the ground at my feet. I start to give him CPR, crying I yell at him, breath dammit, breath, I know you can, I know I can do this, breath for me!  He is cold and white and lifeless, no response! NO RESPONSE! In my heart, I know he is gone but I cannot let him go. I stop after only several tries because I know I will not succeed, no matter what I do!  God says no more!  NO MORE!
I remember looking into my husbands face and it was then he knew and I knew there was nothing on this earth that would ever bring our baby back, no miracles here today!  I then picked him up and kissed him on his face, what seemed as if it was hundreds of times, holding him and rocking him , just as I had done 16 years before, only now I think just as a mother worries about her babies being cold and alone, he was so cold now and he had died all alone and scared, my tears and my heartache grew.  Not only had I lost my baby but the thought of him where he was, so cold and so alone ate me up to the point where I thought I couldn't bare it!  Inside I could feel myself dying right along with him...I will never again be who I was when I went to bed last night!  All I could think is I am holding my baby for the last time, I can never hold him again...ever! I will never hug him, touch him,  feel him kiss my cheek,  hear him say I love you,  I miss you, look what I did today,  hi mom,  I will never hear his beautiful voice again!  16 years passed before my very eyes...16 years in 10 minutes!  I hold him rocking him,comforting his lifeless body and praying for his soul!  I truly feel at this very moment I want to die as well!  My heart is broken and I cannot fix it!  A piece of me is gone!
The ambulances arrive and they take me from him and I beg not to take him from me, please don't take my baby, please!  I have to go away from him!  I cannot honestly say after this I recall anything that happened, nothing at all!  I am in total and absolute shock! 16 years and it's over how could this be? I refuse to believe you are gone!  It cannot be so and it will not be!  I will not face this, I will not!  I cannot!

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