No matter how much I try to divert my attention elsewhere I cannot! I cannot be without him, I will not go on without my son! I will not! I will not! I feel anger, rage, uncertainty, fear for my child and hopelessness inside myself! The loss is the greatest I have ever felt. It is unfair and I cannot understand!
It's Saturday afternoon and we get the call from the funeral home, of course I run crying, leaving my poor husband yet again in his own grief to handle the appointment for arrangements. I want to run away from it, if I run far enough will I get so far that I don't have to be apart of it I think! Like a 2 yr old, I don't want to be apart of it! How do I stand beside the coffin of my beautiful son, the same son that that the night before, I kissed so lovingly on his forehead and said, I am so proud of you, you are going to drive, I am so happy! Life is about to take off for you, you have a job you are going to start, all will be good! This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life baby! We talked about life and what all this meant for him and all the responsibilities and things he would be able to do with a car and a job! I awake to find my same baby hanging in my yard! NO! NO! NO! It cannot be, it just can't!
I have to go along with his father to pick out a casket, no......never! I cannot believe that of all the choices this young promising, handsome, outgoing and loved young man had, he chose death! DEATH OVER LIFE! With everything in this world to live for this is his future...none!
So Monday it is, Monday we go to see the funeral director to make all the decisions, I now know I am going to die as well! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! I sit at night under the tree where you ended your life and I cry and I scream and I cry, saying you have to come back to me, you have to! I won't accept this. You have changed our lives forever, your family, your sisters, your brothers for forever! I am slowly going crazy, crazy do you hear