Sunday, April 21, 2013

Preparing For Mats Journey Home

  Home to the father and home to his family but different now, it's awful now, my baby will come home in a box! I cannot take another moment, another second, I feel as if I cannot breath! It feels as if my chest is crushing. Feels as if I at times may be ready to have a heart attack, my chest hurts and it hurts because of the severe stress that I am under or is it because of my broken heart! I am sure at this point, it is my broken heart! I continuously cry nonstop, relentlessly, it feels as if I may never stop.  I cry out to God and pray, where is my baby? Where father, please let him be with you! I repeat these same words over and over 1 million times or more in my mind as I still do as well as out loud! Just let him be with you father God! That is my only prayer that God has taken him home to be with him for all eternity!
  I am living a nightmare and the lights are on and the sun is out, God please let this all just be a dream and tell me that when i wake up tomorrow my baby will be here with me! My poor husband sits and stares and cries but honestly I cannot think right now nor do I feel as if I will ever feel anything other than this awfulness inside! It feels as if I have fallen into the deepest darkest hole imaginable. I cannot feel love, I cannot feel anything or anyone around me, its as if I am outside my own body in an awful dark and sad place, I do not want to be here! I never wanted to be here!
 No matter how much I try to divert my attention elsewhere I cannot! I cannot be without him, I will not go on without my son! I will not! I will not! I feel anger, rage, uncertainty, fear for my child and hopelessness inside myself! The loss is the greatest I have ever felt. It is unfair and I cannot understand!
 It's Saturday afternoon and we get the call from the funeral home, of course I run crying, leaving my poor husband yet again in his own grief to handle the appointment for arrangements. I want to run away from it, if I run far enough will I get so far that I don't have to be apart of it I think! Like a 2 yr old, I don't want to be apart of it! How do I stand beside the coffin of my beautiful son, the same son that that the night before, I kissed so lovingly on his forehead and said, I am so proud of you, you are going to drive, I am so happy! Life is about to take off for you, you have a job you are going to start, all will be good! This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life baby! We talked about life and what all this meant for him and all the responsibilities and things he would be able to do with a car and a job! I awake to find my same baby hanging in my yard! NO! NO! NO! It cannot be, it just can't!
 I have to go along with his father to pick out a casket, no......never! I cannot believe that of all the choices this young promising, handsome, outgoing and loved young man had, he chose death! DEATH OVER LIFE! With everything in this world to live for this is his future...none!
 So Monday it is, Monday we go  to see the funeral director to make all the decisions, I now know I am going to die as well! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! I sit at night under the tree where you ended your life and I cry and I scream and I cry, saying you have to come back to me, you have to! I won't accept this. You have changed our lives forever, your family, your sisters, your brothers for forever! I am slowly going crazy, crazy do you hear

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