I do not know if I can pray anymore, I have more than cried out to God over and over and over, he is silent! I drop to my knees and I only hope, that because he has created us, that when I do and the only thing that comes is tears, that he also knows what my heart can barely speak! Tears so plentiful that they could fill an ocean. Will they ever stop?
I am surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors but yet I am totally alone! To give birth to a son, that love is forever, nothing even death will ever or can ever take us apart. NOTHING! Even this shall not separate us. I will wait, surely you will come to me, somehow, someway! In my dreams, in my thoughts, something will let me know that you are with me. I cannot laugh because if I do or if I smile then you will not be here to share in that laughter! I feel as if I will never laugh again.
I must choose pictures for your funeral to be displayed, oh hell no I can't! I won't! But if I don't I feel that everyone will not see you, but only the act of your suicide. So I have to. Oh God how, how do I look at your pictures and know that you are no more? How do I force myself to look at you and you are not with me, I can't! I will do this because I know that as children do, they make mistakes, they are careless and reckless and have poor judgement just as you did. I also have to remember that my heart is so forgiving, I forgive and I forgive and then I forgive again, reason being I get hurt so much! I have to find it in myself to forgive you and to forget what choice you have made! I have to forget the horror of that morning at sometime in my life I will have to quit replaying what I saw on the morning of April 2oth or I will never find peace again! I just want to remember all that is good and nothing that is bad, will I ever? Will this haunt me forever? God I pray not my son!