Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Days Just Pass

   The days they just pass now. I can't remember which is which. It seems as if hours are seconds and days only minutes.They are all running into one another. None of that makes any sense, but in this world of grief nothing makes sense at all, nothing anymore. Depression, huh! At it's worst! Pain beyond anyone's imagination. Broken heart that will never be repaired. I try to keep from falling apart and it seems impossible. I think of my son every second now. I am angry at everything and everybody. I blame myself, what could I have done? Should I have been harder than I was on him? Should I have been not so strict and just let him run? No none of those are the answers, I have none!         He killed himself over a girl? Really? No this is impossible! Unbearable and unbelievable! My son chose to leave this world over a girl, someone that he could have found a hundred million more of and would probably over the course of his life. Strange but I do not blame the girl, I only blame myself and it is overwhelming. As a mother I am overwhelmed with despair and loss and regret so deeply that it feels as if I have a deep dark hole that reaches into my soul! I worry and I ache and I cry, will he be lost and will I ever get to him? Has God taken him home with him to live forever? I can only pray for his soul and wait! Will I ever hold you again I think to myself? Will I know you as I have always known you? Please God let me know him, please, please! Or will I never see you again after life? Now that would truly be hell! 
   I do not know if I can pray anymore, I have more than cried out to God over and over and over, he is silent! I drop to my knees and I only hope, that because he has created us, that when I do and the only thing that comes is tears, that he also knows what my heart can barely speak! Tears so plentiful that they could fill an ocean. Will they ever stop?
   I am surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors but yet I am totally alone! To give birth to a son, that love is forever, nothing even death will ever or can ever take us apart. NOTHING! Even this shall not separate us. I will wait, surely you will come to me, somehow, someway! In my dreams, in my thoughts, something will let me know that you are with me. I cannot laugh because if I do or if I smile then you will not be here to share in that laughter! I feel as if I will never laugh again.
  I must choose pictures for your funeral to be displayed, oh hell no I can't! I won't! But if I don't I feel that everyone will not see you, but only the act of your suicide. So I have to. Oh God how, how do I look at your pictures and know that you are no more? How do I force myself to look at you and you are not with me, I can't! I will do this because I know that as children do, they make mistakes, they are careless and reckless and have poor judgement just as you did. I also have to remember that my heart is so forgiving, I forgive and I forgive and then I forgive again, reason being I get hurt so much! I have to find it in myself to forgive you and to forget what choice you have made! I have to forget the horror of that morning at sometime in my life I will have to quit replaying what I saw on the morning of April 2oth or I will never find peace again! I just want to remember all that is good and nothing that is bad, will I ever? Will this haunt me forever? God I pray not my son!

No comments:

Post a Comment