When a mother loses a child, she loses a piece of her soul, it changes her forever, she will never be the same. Her entire life is changed. She now has a hole in her heart that is so very deep, it can never be filled. She grieves forever for the lose of the one that she gave birth too. No counseling, no drugs, no amount of alcohol can fill the void in her life ever. Thoughts always come flooding back, always. The best that can be done at times is to try to refocus and not stay in the moment. I find myself going totally against that and at this time I become panic stricken at times. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I pray, and I pray and I pray. At times it is so overwhelming it feels as if I myself are being choked to death, feels as if I am suffocating. Scariest dam feeling I have ever felt. I buried my mother last year, it was very overwhelming but then I was quickly able to say, she has lived her life, she has had a stroke, quality of life is gone, she can't speak, she will never walk, etc, etc. Quickly the grieving turned into, I love her enough to know that this is God's plan for our existence, we get old and then we die. Fair enough! Better than to get old and hang on and agonize for years in an utterly awful existence. I personally would rather just go. Slowly slip out of this world, people at my side, comforting me and loving me.
Where do you go with this one, where do you begin to make sense of a perfectly vital, young life. So many friends, so many people that adored and loved him. Where do you thank God for this? I am personally mad at God right this second, but he expected that and he will not hold it against me I am assured. I am very mad at my son and even madder at me. I am mad at me because he at times like all teens do said he,"hated me", well I am mad at me because I should have taken that up a notch. I should have snooped more, been more pushy and made him hate me just a little more. Maybe if I would have made him mad enough he would have stayed around just a few days, weeks or months to plot some great revenge against me, but at least he would have been here with me. I should have known more and accepted less. I should have done a lot more, but I didn't. Mistakes we make. I really hope someday I get to tell him every conversation I am having here and more, I pray!