Saturday, August 17, 2013

4 Month's After You Loose Your Precious Child

Really awful night, yesterday, last night and today, not to say that the last 4 months haven't been close to the same and when I speak awful I mean awful! Started when I came home from work yesterday and did not stop. Sure everybody's had really horrendous days! It was almost equally as bad as the first month's days and nights, where I could not close my eyes for a single second. I was absolutely panic stricken, chest tightness, shaking, unrelenting tears that poured from my soul from a place I didn't know existed! THIS IS AWFUL!!!! I feel just like a boat a million miles out in the ocean that has a slow leak, I know it's going down but I don't know when and I don't know how! I have no control, I can't stop it and I don't know how to plug the hole and I don't know if I should or shouldn't! I just don't know! I feel as if I am an empty carcass walking the face of the earth! I want to scream out all the time, I want my son back dammit who ever has him, "GIVE BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!" I think I could start screaming today and not stop for all eternity the pain is so bad! I close my eyes and the pictures keep playing like a slide show and I can't turn them off. I really don't want to turn off some but for a while just a little nothingness would be just grand at this point! I get about 2 hrs a sleep a night no exaggeration and after 4 months its catching up to me. The only nights I get 3-4 is because of Valerian root that the Dr told me to get! I still wake up, drenched in sweat, terrorized, terrified, panicked and searching for my son! My beloved baby boy Mat!There are nights were I have run through the house panting and in distress saying where is he? Where is he, wheres my baby??? My husband will wake up and say, you know where he is pleased calm down your going to have a heart attack, just breath please, then I just look at him and proceed to search and he knows to just let me go because he knows I won't stop until my mind finally stops and says you know where he is, he's gone. Then this feeling washes over me of despair, emptiness, and awfulness! I can't breath and I gasp for air until I have to fall down and just cry out and cry! I feel so very, very scared and afraid of me, some days I look at me in the mirror and I think, who the hell is that, no joke! I am scared because I feel like I am loosing myself! Like I am going insane sometimes, completely and totally insane. My husband says you are not doing this very well, he says I am not either but I can't help you because I can't even help myself! Makes perfect sense, but he doesn't look crazy in the process! I really thought at the beginning it is horrible and unbearable now surely this will ease after awhile, nope 50 x's as bad....don't know where to go besides the local psychiatric ward. I have actually made jokes to people 72 hrs... lots of pills and I would be a new human being.....truth is if all the remaining days of my life were spent in a mental hospital, all the drugs in the world were given to me , the realization still remains (unless I am 100 % sedated for life) I CAN"T HAVE HIM BACK!!!!I CAN"T HAVE HIM BACK! I can't change it, I can't make it go away from my mind! I can't erase that memory of my baby boys face that morning hanging form that tree, white, cold and lifeless, it WILL NOT GO AWAY EVER, EVER, EVER! I can never feel his hand in mind, his face next to mine, I can never hear his, I love you! I can't drink this out of my system or my mind, I'm trying! I can't pray it away! It feels as if my boat is sinking. I would apologize but I just don't even have it in me to do! Like it or leave it, up to you!

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