Monday, August 12, 2013

They Call Me Strong

Everyday is a fight! Every second another battle! Will I win or will I loose? One never knows what tomorrow brings, do they? 115 days ago I buried my baby boy! The same baby boy that I held in my arms 17 yrs and 4 months ago! The same baby boy that I looked upon his face and promised to love and protect until the day I died! THE DAY I DIED! Not the day he died! Never in a life time would I have imagined April 20th, 2013 in any one of those thoughts about his future! 
In any nightmare I had was that thought of finding him that day present. I had nightmares of him drowning and not being able to get to him, maybe that was more of a vision. He was drowning, and I really couldn't get to him actually, but in a different way! He was drowning in a sea of drug abuse and as a mother the harder I tried, the more it seemed he drowned! The more he struggled the more my heart struggled and the more it cried out! What I couldn't do as a mother, was save him from himself, save him from the awfulness of society! In the end i couldn't protect him, I couldn't stop him from what the drugs had done to his brain and his thought processes. 
What an awful, awful feeling to have to hold your hands up and say the words, I LOST! With the most precious thing in my life, I fought with him and along side of him and in the end, WE LOST!
Not only did I loose my baby boy on April 20, 2013, I lost part of my own soul! And they call me strong, I am as weak as Mat was that night, every second of everyday now, just as we all are at times! The real choice in the end is, do we turn around and run, through our hands up and say, I have lost! Or do we pick our-self up and dust ourselves off and our messed up lives a zillion times over and defeat our fears and our worst nightmares and our worst enemies or do we just lay down curl up and claim defeat? I'm not sure and that remains to be seen I guess! For Mats sake and with the help of many peoples prayers as well as my own I hope it's not my time. But me and God have made peace and he knows I am ready any time, any day! My faith keeps me grounded here on earth for how ever long that is. I am always, always ready to meet God as well as to hold my son again in my arms and rejoice! When that time comes, only God knows! Living this life without my son......torment of my soul until the moment I close my eyes! My soul is haunted by the memories, haunted by his face and crying a cry that God himself cannot understand! about that ones out for the juries decision!

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