Thursday, August 15, 2013

Dearest Mathew

I have had a good day today! I focused on trying not to focus on the day you died! Lol! Not very funny really but it's definitely a nightmare for me! I will go on. I miss everything about you, I think somewhere you may know that, I hope you do. It is terrifying being here without you, and it never seems to end. I attempt everyday to say today WILL be a better day and I will reach down deep and find some peace deep inside my soul. I attempt I repeat! I miss you everyday and in every thing I do I see you. I cry still every night before I go to bed! It hasn't stopped and I can't promise that soon it will or it ever will! I would be a liar.
I miss how great you smelled all the time, how handsome you were, no wonder you were gathering the ladies all the time, how could they resist you! Beautiful baby boy I brought into the world, I was and still am so lucky and so proud! Wish I would have told you even more.
I miss how you stood next to me and told me how short I had gotten when I got older, when you had gotten taller silly!
I miss how you ate peanut butter and jelly every night after you came home from your friends and just stood there and talked with me over your PB&J.
I miss how your blues hazel eyes changed with what you wore just like your mamas! So beautiful they were!
I miss seeing you coming across the yard every night. just seeing your face and your beautiful smile when you saw me, melted my soul! I always thought to myself, how lucky I am to have you!
I miss you always throwing your clothes all over your floor and just making the most unbelievable messes in your room that anyone could ever create! I wish I could see that again angel! I always told your dad he will fix it and you did, it was always perfect or a disaster no in between for you! LOL!
I miss you just sitting and talking to me, just hearing your thoughts on stuff, didn't matter what it was to me, I would listen to anything from you! I miss that so! You had so many great ideas and so many great opinions!
I miss your sweetness and your kindness and your always looking out for me! I want that back my baby!
I even miss you on your phone, even though I hate those things, I still miss saying Mat get off that phone!
I miss you saying, I love you mom, I will never, ever hear that from you again! I really can't live without that!
I miss how you loved your American Eagle clothes and how you loved and adored your shoes, Nikes, wow! The night you took your life, you washed and dried and cleaned your shoes and left them sitting to dry, laces washed and in the dryer, and you never came back for them, you never came back!!!!
I miss how sensitive you were and seeing you actually show that part of you, I cried, you better believe you cried too! You hated to see your mama hurt or be upset! You were a mamas boy and I so miss that!
I miss how courageous you were all the time! I always knew how much you effected the peoples paths you had crossed. They told me!
I miss how helpful you were to everyone that would only ask something of you, gladly and without complaining you would oblige them! You wouldn't let anyone struggle, you didn't have it in you. You would get so mad at me when I would do something that I really shouldn't be and would say, Mom why didn't you just ask! I should have just ask! I learned that from you!
I miss seeing you with your friends laughing and joking, happy and smiling! I miss your friends! I miss Travis and I miss your Ryan! I know they really miss you!
I even miss you saying, can I have $10 bucks or $20 bucks, now that's amazing!
I will miss not being able to see you grow and develop into a young man that would have rocked the world! 
I will miss not seeing you take a bride and walk her down the isle!
I will miss seeing you going to college or going to the service like you had planned!
I will miss grandchildren and maybe great grandchildren!
I will miss seeing you drive away or go off to a job, you just didn't make it here long enough to be able to accomplish enough of those dreams I had for you!
I will miss everything about you, everything! You were perfect my sweet baby boy, every fiber of your being was perfect, good, bad, all of it! I would give up my soul to hold you for 10 seconds and tell you how very much I love you and be able to see your sweet face again! I would give up my soul! My sweet baby Mathew, 10 seconds!!!!!!
Love you so mama!

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